This just about says it all...

I just created this collage of My FB status for the entire year of 2010 (ok, well, not the ENTIRE year - just a selection of status updates are shown).  Since FB status updates and blogging are so similar (but how obnoxious would it be if I posted one liners all the time on my blog?!?), I thought this might be fun to share here, too.  (HINT: if you click on the collage, it will open a larger image so you can actually read it without a magnifying glass)

I'm just thrilled that more of what I said over the past year on FB is positive than negative...  :)

The soft X. | Stuff Christians Like – Jon Acuff

I just came across this post and, whether I want to admit it or not - whether I like the message and what it means, it is exactly what I needed to hear today. Today, my Father says, "I know, my daughter, I know."
The soft X. | Stuff Christians Like – Jon Acuff

And I cry.

I cry tears that taste of bitterness and anger and sadness and fear and pain and dreams forever lost.

But I hold tight to His enduring promise in Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." I know He keeps His promises. I have to trust He will...

Just some things I'm pondering in this valley where I'm living today.

Footprints in the sand

I'm gonna tell you a story... Don't worry - it's brief.

When I was in junior high (according to my kids, AGES ago), I took classes to learn to speak Spanish. (Oh, how I wish I had paid more attention and continued to take those classes when I was in high school and college because knowing Spanish would be oh, so helpful to me today.) But, I digress.

Anyway, I remember an assignment in my Spanish class (or maybe it was a public speaking assignment, I don't really remember) in which I had to recite a poem. In Spanish.

So, of course, I was drawn to the poem, _Footprints_.  In case you don't know this poem, here it is - in English.

Footprints

One night I had a dream--

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.

This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way,

but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints.

"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most, you should leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering.

"When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

~Mary Stevenson

You might imagine the dedication and perseverance it took for me to learn this long poem in Spanish and memorize it so I could recite it in front of judges.  I can almost still say it today (well, not quite).  I do vividly remember, though, the days and days and days of practicing I did.

I could have chosen a much shorter poem, but even at the age of 14, I was drawn to this one.  This poem that speaks of faith and hope and perseverance in times of trial.  This poem that makes clear the importance of relationship between God and us, and how He is there, even when we don't feel Him.

So, in honor of this poem and its importance to me, I've changed up the look of my blog.  In the background, you'll see the dry, parched sand of the desert, and a single set of footprints.  Today, even though I do not feel Him, I'm reminded that He carries me.  And His arms are big enough for you, too.

Funny Candy

I came across this H.I.L.A.R.I.O.U.S. clip from Tim Hawkins this morning and I was laughing so hard!!  I needed that.

Maybe you do too!  Happy almost Halloween!

Oh, and while I'm on a Halloween theme today - check this out!  Ghosting It Forward.  It's a neat little community building, feel-good activity - kinda like trick or treating in reverse!

The kids and I are totally gonna do this tomorrow night.  heeheehee

Can't wait to see if it catches on in our otherwise quiet and non-interactive neighborhood...  ;)

Monday, monday

Ever notice how Mondays come around so much faster than Saturdays?  And how Sundays (if we're not intentional to avoid this) can become a day full of preparing for Monday, thus kinda sad and dreary? 

I have.

Sigh.

Happy Monday...  I guess...  ;)

A Taste of Victory

What a difference a week makes.  What a difference some effort put into a difficult situation that has drawn on now for entirely too long makes.  What a difference a few victories that we've savored over the past several days has made in the life of our family. 

No, we haven't won the lottery or found the secret to world peace, but we have made some significant steps toward family peace and peace of mind.  Which is HUGE.

What, you ask, is the key to our recent victories?

While it may sound simple and like a no brainer to you, and not an entirely foreign concept to us (we've just not been practicing it lately), we've finally discovered that making a P-L-A-N to deal with some of our struggles goes a long way toward peace - even if the plan doesn't solve the problem immediately.

• Victory #1:  We've committed to 13 weeks in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, and we're making an intentional plan for our financial future (and present).  What a difference it makes for two married adults to actually take the time to sit down and talk with one another to figure out a budget for today, and our individual dreams for tomorrow.  While our financial situation isn't drastically different than it was before we created our budget, our hopes for the future, our perceptions of security, and our marriage are already reaping the benefits of our financial plan still under refinement.

• Victory #2: We've successfully eradicated the power struggles and yelling matches (no, I'm not proud of my behavior) that had everything to do with 'who left that mess on the kitchen floor', and 'how can you be so mean to your sister', and 'when will you clean your room (again!)'??  We've implemented an ingenious behavior/reward chart with our kids from a system I found called Accountable Kids.  

I mean, our girls are racing in the morning to take their showers, brush their teeth, make their beds, and eat breakfast before their tired parents even get out of bed!  YES, it's really that good!  What had been averaging something hideous like 4 or more hours of tv/computer/wii time per day (again, not proud of my behavior) has now been whittled down to less than 90 minutes (most days less than that), and I no longer have excessive amounts of guilt eating me alive while I try to work from home, watch after the kids, and otherwise run our household using tv as a babysitter.  In one fell swoop, we've finally found a way to teach our kids that their presence in our family is critically important to our family unit, they have responsibilities - just like mom and dad, and quality time is more important than anything else.  I could go on for several days... but I'll let you check out their system for yourself, if you haven't already found this nirvana in your own home.

• Victory #3: I've taken a hard look at my daily routine and work schedule and have realized that I cannot do all and be all that I want in the human form that I currently am.  My energy and time is finite, and limits have to be set.  I've begun setting them, restructuring my day, and giving myself permission to walk away from the unending work beckoning me from my computer screen for a bit to recharge.  What a concept!  As Steven Covey says about those who are highly successful, it's important to sharpen the saw.  Oh yeah, I forgot.  Too busy driving to stop and get gas...

• Victory #4:   I'm cooking for my family again, and doing so makes all of us healthier eaters and we're saving money at the grocery store.  (Yes, we've been eating all this time, but it's been more like me staring at whatever is left in our pantry/refrigerator and saying, "what do you guys want to eat tonight?")  It's really astonishing how much difference a meal plan, a shopping plan, and a daily dinner already planned out makes!  I found an incredibly helpful meal planning service called Relish! that I'm totally in love with, and while I've subscribed since August, I'm embarrassed to admit that I've not been terribly consistent with using it.  (It's not unlike that gym membership that I pay for, but...  Hey, I can't tackle everything all at once!)  Now that I am using it, I'm so much happier, and so is my husband.  :)

So, if I seem a little cheerier than normal, or less stressed out about the little things that go wrong (and do), you'll know that it's because I've seen some victories recently.  I've missed them for way too long.  And, they are so sweet.

What victories have you claimed lately?

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Like Dori in _Finding Nemo_ I've recently found myself chanting, "just keep swimming" over and over and over and over...

It seems I've gone and done it again. I'm overwhelmed. My simple life of boredom and loneliness has morphed (at my own doing) into a chaotic and BUSY craziness. I don't know how it happened! (but, then, I really do)

I'm hopelessly Type A. I'm happiest doing and committing and otherwise occupying my time and energy to the point of exhaustion. I thought I had learned this lesson, when just over a year ago, I was stripped of all of my commitments and obligations in Colorado and whisked away to the solitude of the desert.

I spent, oh, about 30 seconds licking my wounds and realizing this was God's way of getting my attention and focusing it on Him. I figured out for that brief moment in time how important it is for me to be still. Then, I got moving (naturally)!

Why, oh why do I do this? Why is it so incredibly tempting for me to fill all of my time (and then some) with stuff? Don't get me wrong - ALL of my stuff is important stuff - there is nothing that I've picked up in the last 18 months that isn't valuable. It's just that, as I sit among the ruins that have become my days, where I am finding organization and efficiency completely elusive, that I realize that I'm going to have to put something down. The problem is, what?!?

I ran across a prayer list that I wrote 18 months ago - things I wanted to be sure to pray about regularly as we were undergoing a major life transition. Some of them, happily, have long since been answered. Some, not so much, but hope endures.

One, in particular, stood out for me today. Back then, I wanted to be sure to pray that I would not pick up anything that wasn't part of God's plan for my life. I wanted to have the lessons that were hard earned just a few weeks prior to leave an indelible impression on my memory - so much so that it would change my daily life.

How quickly we return to old ways. Like a familiar old t shirt, we are drawn to old habits and long to wrap ourselves up in them so we can be comfortable.

I wonder, though, what is it going to take to get my attention this time? Instead of finding out, I'd much rather admit my weakness now and choose for myself what it is that I'll put down.

What to choose? Guess I should get back to what I know is true and be still for a moment... Anyone else have as much trouble with that as I do?

What We've Been Up To...

I know, I know.  It's been awhile since I last posted.  The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of travel and busyness.  Here are some photos we took on our recent trip to DisneyLand for D's 5th birthday (gulp).  Enjoy!

Some Lessons Of Pain

The uncanny thing about pain is that is has an unmatched ability to make a person feel alone - really alone.  I mean, someone can have compassion for another person if they've experienced something similar, like a broken bone, or a muscle injury, or a severe burn - but, ultimately, each of us must walk through the pain all by ourselves.  No matter how much a friend tries to come along side another who's in pain (either physical or emotional), and may very well know what their own experience was with the exact same affliction, pain is solitary.  (The friend coming along side thing helps, tremendously, though - don't get me wrong.) 

It's just that over the past few months I've been dealing with a debilitating and very painful joint and muscle condition (as of yet, still undiagnosed) and I've increasingly felt alone in it.  The other day, I heard the song _Lean On Me_ on the radio, and (as it has been known to do in the past) it reduced me to tears.  Music has always been particularly powerful for me, and this song has long summed up a lot of my own perspective on life and what we're doing here.

When you really think about it, all we really want in this world is to be completely understood and to not have to be alone (or maybe that is all I really want in this world).  And, when we're able, we want to be there for others in the same ways they are there for us - because we know how great it is to help and be helped in times of need.

While pain can certainly make anyone feel alone, you really never are if you reach out to others - and if they take initiative to reach out to you (a lesson I'm still trying to learn).  In the lyrics of Bill Wither's classic song, "Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on.  For, it won't be long till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on."  

I have no problem with being the one who others lean on - I really do love to help others out.  But when it comes to doing the leaning, I often allow my pride to win - never revealing my need, much less asking for help with it.  In that way, I've definitely increased my solitude and sorrow - creating a life out of balance.

Just some thoughts I'm pondering on a day when I'm finally pain free (because of a trial medication regime).  And I'm struck by the importance (once again) of seizing the day - because I don't know if the pain will return tomorrow, or if it's going to be gone for good - I need to savor each moment without it.

What about you?  Is there anyone you can lean on today - or do you find yourself in a place of strength with something to offer to a friend in need?

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25: 35-40

I wanna diet my hair

So, just now, this was the conversation had with the four (going on 21 year old):

"Mom, when I get older I want you to diet my hair"

me: "why?"

"because"

me: "what color would I dye your hair?"

"you know that girl at the concert with the pink hair with a little bit of brown?"

me (searching my memory that doesn't always work as fast as it used to - then stopping at a mental image of a woman we saw with a shockingly deep shade of fuchsia hair): "why do you want your hair pink and brown?"

"oh, because it made her hair look good and I want mine to look good too when you diet it."

Does it ever amaze you that what they say is so many years beyond the language they have to express themselves?  I'm trying not to be too concerned for the teenage years just yet...

What You Focus On Grows

My friend, Laura, posted this quote on her blog recently:

“A person will worship something, have no doubt about that.  

We may think tribute is paid in secret, in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will play out.  

 That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives and our character.  

Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping, we are becoming.” 

~  Ralph Waldo Emerson

This, for me, has been a daily struggle - I've posted about it before - what I focus on grows.  And, what I worship, I am becoming. 

This truth was made clear to me yesterday through my daughter, who tends to ruminate and easily become consumed by her emotions.  It's often the negative ones she's feeling that do her in and can lead her even to physical sickness.  She and I had a discussion yesterday as she was complaining of not feeling well about trying to focus on "happy things" instead of how badly she was feeling.  I could see her spiraling downward in that all-to-familiar cycle that often leads to a place none of us want to go, and I was desperate to help her try to avoid going there.

And I wish I had someone to give me that pep talk whenever I'm consumed by frustration or anger or sadness and allow myself to submit to those negative feelings, influencing my entire day for the worse (and just about everyone who has contact with me).  What I focus on grows.  Whether it's how great my day is going or how tough my lot in life seems at any given moment.  

So, I had to ask my daughter yesterday the same question I should be asking myself EVERY DAY.  What do we want to grow?

Sickness?

Anger?

Sadness?

Pity?

Selfishness?

Jealousy?

Greed?

Apathy?

 

or...

Peace?

Patience?

Kindness?

Compassion?

Love?

Joy?

Faithfullness?

Gentleness?

Self-Control?

This morning, as my little girl awoke, she came out to the kitchen to announce to me that she was feeling better and she believes that she "kept the sickness away with happy thoughts".  One battle won.

I want to win today, too.  How about you? 

Galatians 5:16-25

Happy Independence Day - Patriotism is Not Dead!

We are a country of innovators and achievers.  We aren't afraid to take the path least traveled, and understand that often comes with hard work (which we're not afraid of, either).  We speak freely, and sometimes forget that not everyone has that right.  We take up after our own, and we try to take up for others who no one else will bother with.  We're not perfect, but, for the most part, we're trying to make the world a little better than we found it.

Today, as you're celebrating with your family and friends, eating good BBQ, swimming at the pool, and watching fireworks, don't forget the reason why today is significant.  Fly your United States flag proudly, and remember that being a United States citizen is a gift and a privilege.

Happy Independence Day, and may God bless the USA!

Hey - I love you!!

This is my new favorite feel good song.  I LOVE it.

I first heard it in the best spin class ever known to man (or woman), and ever since, I've been hooked.  It just makes me happy and when I hear it I cannot help but break out dancing, much to the horror of my children.  :)

And, at the risk of sharing TMI, I created a ringtone from it for when my husband calls. The only problem is, I don't want to cut the song off when he calls, so I don't answer quickly...

I hope you enjoy as much as I do!

You know you live in Vegas when...

The latest inspiration for this post hit me recently.  But first, I must tell you a story.

I have a very lovely friend here in Vegas who I met in an, um, well, unconventional way.  She actually met my SIL first, and it was through their chance encounter at a pet store where my daughter and her aunt went for some afternoon time together and a conversation was struck up.  My name was mentioned (as the actual mother of the child my SIL had with her), as was my struggle to get to know people in my new city (I'd been here all of two months and was frustrated and lonely and telling everyone all about it).  So my soon-to-be friend boldly asked my SIL for my phone number and shared her own, no doubt thinking she could help me out and score another play mate for her darling then-three year old. 

(I really think, had it been me, I might have not been so willing to put myself out there with a total stranger, to yet another total stranger, and when I think of that, I am ashamed and sad to think that, because of my insecurities, I would have missed out on a really great friendship.)

Anyway, when my SIL brought my youngest home and handed me a phone number of a woman I'd never met, I truly thought she was crazy.  I then began running through all the possible scenarios that would prove this was a scam or some equally mischievous plot to...  well, I dunno - do something to harm me or my family (not that I'm suspicious, or paranoid, or anything) - but I came up with none.

A few days later, I got a text from my future friend asking me if I'd want to have "a cuppa", and I immediately had a sense this was someone I was going to like (her British accent and random English phrases were endearing, too).  We've been getting together every few weeks for a cuppa (and maybe some good cookies, muffins, or anything chocolate) since.  (If you're reading this, C, it's been awhile!  Let's get together soon!!)

None of this is really a "you know you live in Vegas when...," except for:

• where else would a mom be so willing to reach out to another because she understood the difficulties inherent in trying to meet friends in Las Vegas (which really does have a certain level of difficulty all its own here)?
• where else, but an international community, would I make a friend from "across the pond", who charms me with her British ways and makes me feel so intimidated to make a cup of tea?

Anyway, the point for telling you all that, was to tell you that we were invited to a bowling birthday party for my friend's little one who is turning 4.  And, that day, as I was traversing an insanely huge casino with my two kids in tow - complete with the not-so-fresh aroma of chain smokers, the nauseatingly busy carpet, the overstimulation of dinging and clanging and flashing lights, multiple buffet lines, and not a single clock or window or other way to connect with reality in sight, it hit me.

You know you live in Vegas when you drag your kids through the sights, sounds, and smells of local casinos to take them to a birthday party for one of their friends in the casino's bowling alley.  (Where they have a blast for two hours, life is as normal as it gets, and you meet some really nice people who you've never met before.)  But still, you should have seen some of the looks I got from those who were there to gamble, as if they were saying, "lady, you brought your kids here?"

Next time, I'll know to park right outside the doors that go straight into the bowling alley...

Needed A Little Change

I'm one of those odd people who really likes change.  I like to rearrange furniture for a new perspective.  I like changing my wardrobe (much more than my checkbook allows) because it feels like I can reinvent myself, just a little bit.  I like painting a new color on the walls, and making the same old things look new in some way.  When we go to a restaurant, I like to try to order something I've never tried at that restaurant before.  I'll even admit that, while stressful and not in any way easy, I liked moving to a new state and a new climate where I've never lived before.  Change brings a sense of vitality to my life, and I get bored easily.

I know some of you can totally not relate.  That's ok.

But, that is why you now see yet another new look on my blog...  I'm on what seems to be a never ending quest to find the "perfect" layout/background/template/theme for my Pondering blog.  Today's is the latest - I hope you enjoy!

And for those of you who don't really thrive on change, and even find it a bit difficult to adjust to, I apologize in advance.  :)  Rest assured my writing style and the topics I choose are still the same old me.

Thanks for reading!

Being still and other random thoughts...

We went to the new version of "Tha karate kid" yesterday. While it wasn't as good as the original with Ralph Machio, I did think Jaden Smith's performance was remarkable, and the story still stirs me.

I had an 'aha' moment when the sage teacher is explaining to his pupil the secret of the cobra charmer they'd seen. He said it was "being still". Then, the student asks, "so she controlled the snake by doing nothing?"  The wise response was,"doing nothing and being still are two very different things."

So true, Jackie Chan, so true.

While pondering that, I had the opportunity this morning to go to Bikram Yoga (90 minutes of intense yoga in a room heated to 105 degrees). Yoga is largely about focusing on your breath, and while your body is facing stress from every front, you are challenged to quiet your mind. Something that doesn't come easy for me.

Another repeating theme.

It was a good reminder, and I'm grateful for it. I'm going to make an effort to quiet my mind this week (which is SO not doing nothing).

And, did I mention that the online authorities say my 90 minutes of suffering at the yoga studio burned a whopping 941 calories?!? This may need to return to my regular fitness routine - so far today, I've eaten -243 calories!!

I had to share this...

It is a family "tradition" to gather around the tv and watch the season of "America's Got Talent" with the kids - they love it and it is (mostly) family friendly.  Anyway, we were watching from last week and saw this guy (Taylor Matthews) sing - I was mesmerized and LOVE his version of this classic song.  I wanted to share it with you (he sings at the 2 minute mark, if you want to avoid the buildup) - I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!  :)

I only wish I could find an mp3 of this song to download, now...

Some Photos...

Where oh where have the last several weeks gone??  For that matter, where did the school year go??  I just dropped off B at school for her last day of second grade (yikes!) and D's last day is Friday. 

As you might have guessed from the complete lack of blogging for the past two weeks, I've been a bit overwhelmed with the thought of an entire summer that I need to plan for them.  And, here it is.  Luckily, we've got a couple of VBSs on the schedule, and I'm on at least 10 waiting lists for week long summer camps through the city rec program (missed that early morning, standing in line at 6 am on a Saturday requirement to get in before all the camps filled up).  The rest is all me.

I think we'll be at the pool.  A LOT.

Anyway, here are a few pics from the past several weeks for those of you (grandma) who have been patiently waiting on me...  :)

Fellow Las Vegans - Check this out!

So, this morning, I finally got around to participating in the Bountiful Baskets co-op that is organized by my friend, Lindsay. It was so much fun! While I know it wasn't quite the same, it got me feeling a little bit closer to the farmers and the fields where my food was grown (I guess that's simply because it didn't come to me via grocery store, I dunno...).

What I really loved about it (besides the low, low price for a HUGE basket of food) was the sense of community it gave me. There's something about working alongside other people who you've never met before toward a common goal.

Oh, and there is an element of surprise to this co-op that adds a little Christmas morning magic to the mix - you don't know what you're getting until you get there!  You sign up online the Tues/Wed before and pay $15 for what is $50 worth of fresh produce.  (I understand that they also have special offerings periodically, like bread, olive oil, bulk produce (like 25 lbs of carrots), etc.)  It's fun to see what you're going home with every week, and because of this my family will be trying new things that I otherwise don't buy regularly!

I was also thinking it would be a great thing to bring my oldest daughter to - when I volunteer to help out, she could work right alongside me and all the other volunteers. I hope she'd get as much out of it as I do!

Am I reading too much into this Saturday morning activity?? Maybe.

But, it's how I felt - can't help that. I think I've found a new Saturday morning ritual! :) Check it out at www.bountifulbaskets.org!

Here is the list of offerings this week:

• 2 butternut squashes
• 6 ears of corn
• 1 lb of brussel sprouts
• 6 tomatoes
• 1 head of romaine lettuce
• a bag of baby carrots
• 1 watermelon (the little, cute ones)
• 5 mangoes
• 1 bunch of bananas
• 5 key limes
• 10 white peaches
• 1 bag of apples

Plus, because I volunteered (by showing up an hour early and helping to unbox and sort the produce into baskets), I was able to take an additional 2 heads of romaine lettuce, another bag of baby carrots, and more tomatoes than I can count (we'll make a red pasta sauce to freeze this weekend!).  My laundry basket was full and heavy, and we still had enough to donate to our local fire stations!  LOVE IT!

Hope to see you there some Saturday!  :)

Reflections on an upcoming Mother's Day

It's been a tough week.  I've been in single parent mode for 9 days (but who's counting?!?), and I am so tired and grumpy and focused on the relief that will come when my better half finally comes walking through the door this evening to save me from total and complete responsibility.

Just now, I was browsing some of my frequent online stops (as I'm gearing up to do some actual work).   On one of those sites, I just read an interesting quote.  "What you focus on grows"

Can you say conviction?

As I was pondering that little gem, and how I'm obviously focusing on stuff that I most definitely DO NOT want to grow, I happened upon another link to a website created and maintained by a mother who lost her 3 1/2 year old son last month to Leukemia.  She was talking about how she's dreading this Mother's Day because she is a mother but is without her son, which is what prompted me to see what she was talking about by visiting her site.

Wow, is all I can say.  I read just a tiny bit of her telling the story of her son's memorial service and watched the pictures of him and their family scroll across the screen in slideshow after slideshow, and tears streamed down my face as I thought about the pain and torment she must be enduring in these weeks following such a tragic loss.  Then, her son's face was replaced by my daughters' faces in my mind's eye and I was immediately caught up with the "what if that were my child" thoughts, and the emotion of that opened the floodgates.  And I haven't had to walk her road.

Instead, I have two healthy, strong, beautiful, vibrant little girls who've been entrusted to me for a short time.  And, I've spent way too much time focused on how hard it is to parent them, how much I sacrifice to be a mother (financially, emotionally, relationally), and all the work I do every day to simply keep our household running with two kids going in two different directions all the time.

What you focus on grows.

For far too long, I've been very focused on myself, my needs, my pain and struggles.  And I've struggled with why I cannot seem to escape the pit of anger and frustration that I inevitably fall into when I'm not diligent about staying out of it.  Why does it have to be so much work to simply focus on the moment, build relationship, and be happy?  Because what you focus on grows, and I'm focused on negativity, not what I want to grow.

So, I'm making a public announcement that this Mother's Day (and for the days to follow), I'm going to make a concerted effort to remember that what I focus on grows.  I'm going to focus on:

• the laughter of two girls who so enjoy one another's company (most of the time)
• the bright twinkle in my oldests' big brown eyes when I play with her
• the still babyish "accent" that my youngest has when she talks with such big words and ideas
• the joy that both girls express when I sit down to read them a bedtime story
• that infectious smile my youngest displays regularly
• both girls' angelic voices as they call me "mama"
• all the gifts of motherhood and how they far outweigh any sacrifices
• how I'm so abundantly blessed

What are you focused on? What do you want to grow in your life?

Happy Mother's Day!

Change and Roots

I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole season changing thing - which many people are, the winter has given way to spring (in most parts of the country, at least!) and summer break for my girls is a miniscule 5 weeks away (seriously?!?).  Gulp.

But, I digress.

One year ago, a season was most definitely coming to an end for us as our time in Colorado was being abruptly ended and our lives were taking a serious turn.  I remember blogging back then about the promise of new life as I gazed out my tree house window from my office to the aspen trees that were sprouting bright green life from beneath the layer of snow they were bearing.  Spring was showing itself amongst the familiar sites of the past several months of winter.  And we were planning our departure from the mountain tops (where we wanted to be) to the desert valley (where we most definitely did not).

I've written about it before (I hope not ad nauseam) - we were having to put down our dreams, say goodbye to some dear, lifelong friends, lay down our professional and volunteer responsibilities, clear out our closets (and drawers, and garage, and on and on), build a dream deck for someone else to enjoy, and otherwise hang up our life as we knew it.  It was hard and it was sometimes wrought with unbearable pain.

And I think about that season and I'm sick to my stomach and tearful all over again.  The desperation to deny what we knew was coming, the anger, the sorrow, the full-on pain of it.  But, somehow, we got through that really tough time - just putting one foot in front of the other.  Step by step by step.  (with many incidents of falling down and running backward, only to realize that it is in the forward moving that healing is ushered in)

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind for me.  I have, over the past several months, been feeling a call to do more, give more, somehow be more than what I have been since we've made our home in the desert (which is turning out to be a pretty decent place, after all).  Up until now, what that is has alluded me, and I've felt compelled to be still and wait.  I think it now has a name, and I'm accepting this challenge and opportunity with open arms - I'm ready to begin growing again.  The season for simply surviving seems to be passing.

But, it is all around us.  This week was one of loss for two friends - both had a parent pass away - both from chronic disease.  They are now plunged into a season of grief and pain as they try to adjust to a new normal.  Another friend had a big dream die, and she's disappointed and sad and angry because she doesn't understand why.  Another is struggling with moving her family in a few short weeks overseas for a bigger mission, and she talks about how hard it is to pull up roots.  Another just did that very thing and writes about how difficult it is to be away from everything she's ever known.  And sometimes the weight of it all seems like it will crush us.

Then, I remember what I learned in my latest season of trial.  The healing is in the journey and the journey is a process - one foot in front of the other, step by step by step.  Breaking big things off into littler, more manageable pieces seems to make it all that easier to bear - even the heaviest of loads.

And, although it seems so much easier to place our roots in shallow, clear water that will simply allow survival (and make future uprooting painless), it's not until those same roots make contact with the dirty soil - rocks, worms and all - that growth and balance and true nourishment occurs. 

Tonight I heard a familiar verse that had particular meaning for me as I contemplate past trials and upcoming challenges - Isaiah 55:8-9:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
       neither are your ways my ways,"
       declares the LORD.

  "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
       so are my ways higher than your ways
       and my thoughts than your thoughts. 

I hope that speaks to you, whatever storm you are in, just coming out of, or just about to enter into.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, step by step by step.  One day, you'll look up and realize just how far you've come and maybe even see where you're going.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

You know you live in Vegas when...

This weekend, we had family visiting us here in Las Vegas. Our girls were thrilled to spend ample time swimming in the hotel pool where our family stayed, and playing the wii in the hotel lobby. We spent considerable time at this particular hotel over the last several days.

Now that life has returned to normal, I thought I'd blog about my latest "you know you live in Vegas when..." moment.

We were headed to the pool from the fourth floor room my family was inhabiting for the weekend and both girls were excitedly running toward the elevators. My youngest said to my oldest, "it's my turn!" (to push the buttons) and my oldest said, "ok," then turned to me to explain that she and her sister were "taking turns working the elevators this weekend."

I then caught a sideways glance from my family member (who does not live in Vegas), and cracked up when he said, "I'll bet that's said outside of many an elevator here in Vegas!"

LOL!! Touche.

But, my daughters are waaaaay too young to have any idea what he meant - and I'm going to work to keep it that way!

Something Beautiful

So, today I went for a long run by myself on the incredible pathways that string through my neighborhood.  The weather was a balmy 62 degrees, the sun was shining, the wind was silent, and all was right with the world.  Something about the rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement and the sound of my breath invigorates me (after about the first mile or two...), and the endorphins kick in.  There's nothing like the high of a runner, something I never ever got until I became one.

As I was running, there were several moments when I looked up to notice the awesome views of the desert mountains rising up at the edge of the city and the monumental palm trees that rise to the sky to greet the sun.  How lucky I am to see all of this right here where I live.  I used to feel the same way when I had the privilege of staring in awe at Pikes Peak in Colorado - we've definitely been blessed to live in some beautiful places.

The thing is, I suppose there is beauty to be found everywhere and anywhere you look.  Even in Vegas, a place where many believe there is nothing beautiful (if you believe this, you've never really seen the true Las Vegas).  I'm so lucky to see the beauty here and to have the chance to enjoy it and add it to my past experiences with gorgeous landscape.

As I coming home after my run this morning, this song came on the radio.  I thought it summed it up pretty well, and I hope it inspires you to look for the beauty in your day today, too.

The Truth About The State of Our Country

I have been stewing.  Stewing and pondering and desperately wanting to write down my thoughts, but I've been so frustrated and angry and sad that I've been careful to choose my words wisely (and until now, that has been to hold them).

But, the silence has to be broken - I can no longer hold my tongue against the atrocities that have been committed against the US people as a result of the recent passage of the "health care insurance reform" bill by congress under the cloak of night late Sunday when the rest of us (who will be shouldering the heavy bill of this legislation) were resting before starting our workweeks on Monday morning.  My conscience demands that I say my peace.

Because I am so concerned about choosing my words wisely, though, other than voice my utter disagreement with this legislation, I have been stumped at what, exactly, to write.  Until this morning, when I read a blog post by Del Tackett of Focus On the Family's The Truth Project on his blog, The Truth Observed.  I wanted to share an excerpt of Dr. Tackett's words with you because they express my sentiments more eloquently than I am able to right now.

Dr. Tackett writes:

"The world says it is all about you…God says it isn’t. And the wondrous thing is that when we “take up our cross and follow Him”, He gives us not only life…but life abundantly!

The world says this is foolishness.

Now, if one is caught up in a desperate frenzy of chasing the world’s standards and trying to make yourself into something that you simply aren’t and will never be, then there is wisdom in being content with who you are in those areas that are unchangeable.

 But these words go beyond that…way beyond.

“When I accepted me…I started listening to and following my inner voice…”

I know people who have accepted themselves and their inner voice says ‘I don’t want to get a job’; or their inner voice says ‘I want to sleep in this morning rather than go to class’; or their inner voice says ‘I don’t want to throw anything away’ and they end up with a house so packed with junk that it takes a HazMat team to clean it out.

The point is that we have an inner nature that wants to get its own way. That has been true from the bad choice in the garden and it hasn’t changed. The heart of man is “desperately wicked” and somewhere, sometime, we need to say “no” to the inner voice. That flies in the face of Maslow and New Age and our “it’s all about me” world, but it’s the bold-faced truth.

We are fast descending into the tar pit of self-centeredness from which little escapes.

If it is all about me and my inner voice says that I want your stuff, then I expect to get your stuff.

Most of our modern day politicians, like marketing gurus, know the heart of man better than most and they can play your “inner voice” like a concert violinist. All they have to do is promise that they can get you want you want. And if I haven’t learned to say “no” to my inner voice then I will actually applaud them and cheer them on.

What they conveniently fail to tell you is that the cost is very, very high.

Marketing gurus simply make you a slave to consumer debt; the neo-politician simply makes you a slave.

God warned the children of Israel about setting up a king who did not live under God’s restraining Hand. The new king, God told them, would take 10% of their stuff and give it to those who support him and they would become his slaves. What is interesting is that they chose slavery…clamored for it.

Yesterday, this nation took a huge leap in paying dearly for another piece of gruel in the feed trough.

The high cost is not simply adding to a debt that is already insane, but it is the cost of becoming more and more the slave of the state. Don’t be fooled into thinking that there is something virtuous in stealing from the wealthy to line our own pocketbooks or pay our bills.

There is no virtue in making someone else a slave.

And there is no wisdom in continuing to pull spark plugs out of the economic engine.

Whatever a man sows, that will he also reap.

You cannot drain the profit of the wealthy and not expect to see the loss of jobs.

Pick the pocket of the wealthy and you will soon find that it is none but your own.

But, the political rhetoric is thick and will soon get thicker. Yesterday, one of our leaders said this: “Today, we have the opportunity to complete the great unfinished business of our society and pass health care reform for all Americans that is a right and not a privilege.”

I have unfortunate news for all of us.

This is NOT the “great unfinished business of our society” and if the king can make you believe that it is your right to take from others and give to you, then there will be no end to what you consider to be your “rights”.

                             

        Next on the list:

–car insurance for all;

–life insurance for all;

–internet access for all;
–cell phones for all;
–homes for all;
–food for all;
–clothes for all…

‘Free for all’ will soon become a ‘free for all’.

This is not a political problem.

This is a worldview problem.

“He will take a tenth of your flocks, and you yourselves will become his slaves.” 1 Samuel 8:18"

Well said, Dr. Tackett.  And my sentiments, exactly.  I, for one, do not want my freedom to be translated into slavery, nor do I want that for this country that I love and call home.  As I've said before, trouble is, it's hard to stop a runaway train...

You know you live in Vegas when...

Last night I was enjoying a mom's night out with my local MOPS group and the funniest thing was said.  It gave me an idea for a new series of posts titled, "You know you live in Vegas when..." 

Anyway, the ladies and I were discussing how it can be difficult to meet neighbors in this city that never sleeps - everyone is on a different schedule, and when it's over 100 degrees outside, most people prefer not to be socializing outdoors.  One of the women in my group was talking about her neighbors, and her comment reminded me that I'm not in Colorado anymore, Toto.

You know you live in Vegas when a friend says (in all seriousness), "My next door neighbor is a dealer, so he works late nights."  Then, sensing an awkward silence, she chimed in, "NOT a drug dealer."

LOL!

There will be more of these to follow, as I'm often struck by some of the things I'm experiencing while I'm getting used to living in the desert.  I thought you'd enjoy them, too!

Lone Nut or Fearless Leader? You Decide.

A blog post was forwarded to me today and it gave me pause to think.  I get the concept and I'm intrigued by it... 

The jury's still out if I agree with the conclusion the original blogger came to about what makes a true leader (and who that is), and I'd love to hear your thoughts (feel free to leave them below!!). 

(Taken from http://sivers.org/ff:)

Sisters

So, this morning, I was in my office wrapping up some website work I've been doing and my two girls were sitting in the kitchen talking with one another.  I was eavesdropping and the exchange was too cute not to blog about.  Here's what I heard:

4 year old: "B, am I still your best sister ever?"
8 year old: "Um hmm.  D, you're my only sister."
4 year old: "Will I be your best sister for all of our lives?"
8 year old: "Yes."
4 year old: "Bless your heart."

Doesn't it make your heart melt?!?  So sweet.

Welcome to March, National Caffeine Awareness Month

So, I'm not really trying to say that addiction is a laughing matter - it is not.  Anyone who's ever struggled to overcome any addiction knows just how hard it is to kick the habit, whether it be to food, smoking, alcohol, drugs, television, exercise, pedicures...  (well, you get my point).

But, apropos of one of my friend's very recent texts about how Starbucks should deliver, and since I did run through the drive-through this very morning to get my favorite highly caffeinated drink (venti non-fat cappuccino, in case you'd ever like to surprise me one morning...), I thought it was really humorous when I learned that March is National Caffeine Awareness Month.   And, because today is the first day of the month, I thought I should blog on the topic, in honor.

(If I could insert right here an audible snippet of my laughing out loud, and it wouldn't be more annoying or disturbing than not, I so would.)

I mean, seriously??

There is an entire association dedicated to the education of the public about caffeine and its ill-effects on people, society, and the economy.  HUH?

I know, I know.  Addiction to anything is indicative of a life out of balance.  Addiction to caffeine can cause serious health effects, and I hear it's not too good for your nerves or the whiteness of your teeth.  I do know that an abrupt halt in caffeine usage can cause some serious headaches and general angst in my own life, but I think that might just be proving the Caffeine Awareness Association's point, and that isn't helping my cause.  I like, no LOVE my coffee every single morning, and find that my day goes so much worse when I don't get it (on the very rare occasions that actually happens).  My day is made happier with that early morning kick of caffeine, and, if drinking it is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

Oh, and the other thing that I found funny about the Caffeine Awareness Association is that it is based out of Seattle, the birthplace of all great coffee.  Come to think of it, if not for the rainy, dreary weather, I could totally consider living in Seattle JUST for the coffee.  I'm just sayin'...

Live like we're dying

I LOVE this song by Kris Allen.  It speaks to the urgency of each and every moment, and the importance of realizing that we have limited time - just because we assume we have more time to do this or that, doesn't mean we do.  I love how it makes me think about how I'm spending my time and who I'm spending it with.

And it doesn't hurt that it has just the perfect cadence for my running stride.  :)  Enjoy!

Decisions, Decisions

Sometimes it's a good thing to have options.  And we are faced with so many decisions all day long.  Some are much bigger than others.

The past week I've been facing what I consider to be a major decision in my life that has potential to change the course of my life, at least in the professional realm. 

While I think I know exactly what I want to decide to do, any decision comes with risks along with the benefits.  In particular, one of the risks for me in this decision is that I would be heading in a direction that will essentially be me picking up something new. 

Now, I love change (really, I do!) - it keeps things challenging and interesting.  But one of my lessons learned in the last season of change was to be content with my existing responsibilities and not overload myself by picking up things (volunteer commitments, business ownership, too much work, etc. etc) that I do not need in order to purely follow God's plan for my life.  So, that's the rub.  My prayer in our move when everything I had chosen was stripped away from me, was that I did not pick up anything that was not in God's plan.  I'm notorious for charting a path of my own, starting out on it, then halfway through finally taking a look back to ask God which way I should go.  I want it to be the other way around - that I ask Him first, then start out on a path with assurance that it is the right way.

I've decided with this decision to "marinate" (as a good friend says) in this for a bit before making a big move.  I'm hoping that my path will become illuminated and my way cleared as a "go-ahead" from God.  In the meantime, I'm going to (try to) be still and wait. 

Just thought I'd post about this so you know why I've been so quiet.  My mind is full of possibilities and endless chatter that I'm trying to quiet so I can listen.  More details to come...

A Clean House

I've blogged a bit before about how I'm contemplating some things, changing course in some areas, and otherwise trying to grow.  I'm happy to report that I'm making some progress and feel like I'm headed in the right direction, although I've still got significant ground to cover.  The growth comes in the journey.

Earlier this week, I was feeling motivated to clean this dirty house of mine, which is dirty because I've neglected to consistently get it clean beyond the tidying up that happens each afternoon (shortly before my husband comes home so he doesn't think I've been sitting home all day eating bon bons and watching soap operas).  But, I digress...

Anyway, so I was dusting and vacuuming yesterday, and D asks me, "Momma, why are you cleaning the house, is someone coming over??"  I deserved that.  I simply smiled and said, "No.  I just think it is nice to have a clean home."

Without missing a beat, she replies, "A clean house is a sign of a clean heart," and walks away. 

I have no idea where she heard that phrase.  But, in light of the cleaning up I've been doing lately (physically and emotionally), I thought it was so timely.  Do you ever wonder if our kids say things like that at just the exact time you needed to hear it because it isn't them saying it at all?  In that moment, and even today, I have no doubt.

Thankful for Friday, and 9 others...

It's been a bit since I've intentionally posted my top ten thankful fors.  So, here they are, in honor of Friday:

1. Well, duh, it's FRIDAY!!
2. A wonderful friend who is my motivation in the darkness before dawn to get out of bed and get to spin class (or the workout of the day)
3. Another awesome friend to go out on a girls' night tonight with - we're seeing a chick flick!
4. BEAUTIFUL weather - it will be 65 today, and this weekend it is supposed to be 69!  We seem to have passed the 50 degree winter curse.
5. Returning health - I'm SO over this cold/chest congestion/cough thing.
6. Another fabulous friend who called yesterday because she knew I have been struggling (love that the distance between us isn't diminishing our friendship).
7. Yesterday and today, both of my girls got tangible reminders of how much their classmates love them in the form of valentine's and copious amounts of candy.
8. In two days, I get to give a tangible reminder to my husband of how much I love him.
9. A job that lets me work when I want and not when I don't, from home, and helps us stick to our budget.
10. All of my blog readers and followers who make me feel like what I have to say matters to someone other than just me.  :)

Have a great Friday, and Happy Valentine's Day to you all!

And so it is with life

So, I've been pondering quite a bit lately.  You can be sure when there's a lack of posting, I'm usually a) so busy that I can't see straight, or b) really struggling with something.  This time, it has been both.

A couple of days ago, I was reminded of my last visit to Colorado and my time with friends there.  It was a great trip and I really treasured my time.  On the last day I was there, we went for a hike in Waldo canyon, near where I used to live, and a familiar route - one I had taken hundreds of times over the past 10 years.  The five of us set out to get a good workout in, along with some long missed girlfriend time.  The route was just over 7 miles, as we'd planned it - a loop in the forest overlooking a beautiful canyon and a stunning example of the terrain in Colorado.  Nothing any of us were concerned about - this was a pretty usual distance for all of us.

We set out having great conversation and catching up with one another because of our separation caused by my move.  We were all happily climbing and jogging and traversing the landscape, all the while engrossed in our discussion.  It wasn't until we realized that we should have been much closer to the beginning point of our trail, but we weren't, and things weren't adding up as far as distance remaining.  The familiar suddenly became confusing.  Once confident, I became nervous and we were running out of water that warm day in September.  We began to assess what we knew to be true about our location - the road is in that direction (we could hear the cars passing), the canyon faces this direction, our starting point must be in that direction.  But our trail did not go that way from were we were standing.  We got lost, and it happened so gradually that we never even knew it until we were three miles out of our way.

Isn't that so how it is in life?  We're rolling along, feel like we have things together, so familiar with our routines that we go on autopilot and sail through our days with a few storms here and there.  But, sometimes, we look up one day and realize that we are way off course.  I did that yesterday.  It hit me that I've been sailing in the wrong direction, but it seemed like familiar enough waters that I didn't realize it until I saw just how off course I really was.

The good news is that once we know we're off course, we immediately can begin to correct our direction.  We take an assessment of where we are, where we've been, and where it was that we were planning on going.

That day in Colorado, my friends and I did make it back to our starting point, albeit 4 miles out of our intended way.  We ended up hiking a total of 11+ miles, when we only set out to do 7.  We had to get off the marked trail to go in the direction we knew we needed to go, and that path was rocky and steep and full of snakes and other natural challenges.  But once we got to our cars and to a local restaurant to refuel our weary selves, we were so thankful to be home again.

While I'm a bit off the intended course right now, I know which direction to head.  My return journey may be a bit rockier than it would have been had I never veered in the wrong direction, but how much sweeter the destination when I finally get there and am able to savor it.

Snow Day in Las Vegas!!

Bet you didn't think we got snow in the desert, huh. 

Well, it's rare, and a few weeks ago we had a real snow day, where it was... well, sleeting.  It was cold and really, really wet.  (If you look super close, you'll see the streaks of snow captured by the camera as they came down)

Then, yesterday, we went sledding!  On snow!  Only this time, the snow was limited to one hill in town and it was 60 degrees and beautiful weather (this, I'm finding, is my kind of snow!!).  One day a year, our neighborhood association does a snow day, and the kids can sled down a hill at a nearby park on snow they bring in from... somewhere.  The kids had a blast and I was amazed at the turnout for a fun family event like this.  It reminded us of our home in Colorado, and we didn't have to endure the storm before we could enjoy the snow this time!  Win - Win.  :)

The only downside was the wait in line - it got up to about 20 minutes.  But, we didn't have to do any shoveling when we got home!  Since everywhere else in the nation is getting pounded with a huge storm, we didn't want to be totally left out in Vegas!

Oh How I Love Thee, Preschool

We're now in week three of preschool and I've found the holy grail.  Well, at least for mothers of preschoolers who have WAAAAAY too much time on their hands.  And mine did.

D loves it, I love it, it's a win win. 

...

The only thing is the nagging cough D brought home and shared with the rest of us.  That same cough that I curse all day long now that it is plaguing me. 

No, I'm not sure she got it at preschool.  Goodness knows that her diet is lacking in anything nutritional that I don't sneak into a soup of some sort.  It's no secret that she regularly sneaks candy and hoards it in her room to devour on her own schedule.  Her diet does leave a bit to be desired.

I'm just guessing the nasty little virus (or bacteria)'s origin is the new-found preschool/holy grail, since her teacher is now out sick with a similar nagging cough, and is expected to be all week...

Anyway, we're loving preschool!