Some Lessons Of Pain

The uncanny thing about pain is that is has an unmatched ability to make a person feel alone - really alone.  I mean, someone can have compassion for another person if they've experienced something similar, like a broken bone, or a muscle injury, or a severe burn - but, ultimately, each of us must walk through the pain all by ourselves.  No matter how much a friend tries to come along side another who's in pain (either physical or emotional), and may very well know what their own experience was with the exact same affliction, pain is solitary.  (The friend coming along side thing helps, tremendously, though - don't get me wrong.) 

It's just that over the past few months I've been dealing with a debilitating and very painful joint and muscle condition (as of yet, still undiagnosed) and I've increasingly felt alone in it.  The other day, I heard the song _Lean On Me_ on the radio, and (as it has been known to do in the past) it reduced me to tears.  Music has always been particularly powerful for me, and this song has long summed up a lot of my own perspective on life and what we're doing here.

When you really think about it, all we really want in this world is to be completely understood and to not have to be alone (or maybe that is all I really want in this world).  And, when we're able, we want to be there for others in the same ways they are there for us - because we know how great it is to help and be helped in times of need.

While pain can certainly make anyone feel alone, you really never are if you reach out to others - and if they take initiative to reach out to you (a lesson I'm still trying to learn).  In the lyrics of Bill Wither's classic song, "Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on.  For, it won't be long till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on."  

I have no problem with being the one who others lean on - I really do love to help others out.  But when it comes to doing the leaning, I often allow my pride to win - never revealing my need, much less asking for help with it.  In that way, I've definitely increased my solitude and sorrow - creating a life out of balance.

Just some thoughts I'm pondering on a day when I'm finally pain free (because of a trial medication regime).  And I'm struck by the importance (once again) of seizing the day - because I don't know if the pain will return tomorrow, or if it's going to be gone for good - I need to savor each moment without it.

What about you?  Is there anyone you can lean on today - or do you find yourself in a place of strength with something to offer to a friend in need?

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25: 35-40

Hey - I love you!!

This is my new favorite feel good song.  I LOVE it.

I first heard it in the best spin class ever known to man (or woman), and ever since, I've been hooked.  It just makes me happy and when I hear it I cannot help but break out dancing, much to the horror of my children.  :)

And, at the risk of sharing TMI, I created a ringtone from it for when my husband calls. The only problem is, I don't want to cut the song off when he calls, so I don't answer quickly...

I hope you enjoy as much as I do!

I had to share this...

It is a family "tradition" to gather around the tv and watch the season of "America's Got Talent" with the kids - they love it and it is (mostly) family friendly.  Anyway, we were watching from last week and saw this guy (Taylor Matthews) sing - I was mesmerized and LOVE his version of this classic song.  I wanted to share it with you (he sings at the 2 minute mark, if you want to avoid the buildup) - I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!  :)

I only wish I could find an mp3 of this song to download, now...

Something Beautiful

So, today I went for a long run by myself on the incredible pathways that string through my neighborhood.  The weather was a balmy 62 degrees, the sun was shining, the wind was silent, and all was right with the world.  Something about the rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement and the sound of my breath invigorates me (after about the first mile or two...), and the endorphins kick in.  There's nothing like the high of a runner, something I never ever got until I became one.

As I was running, there were several moments when I looked up to notice the awesome views of the desert mountains rising up at the edge of the city and the monumental palm trees that rise to the sky to greet the sun.  How lucky I am to see all of this right here where I live.  I used to feel the same way when I had the privilege of staring in awe at Pikes Peak in Colorado - we've definitely been blessed to live in some beautiful places.

The thing is, I suppose there is beauty to be found everywhere and anywhere you look.  Even in Vegas, a place where many believe there is nothing beautiful (if you believe this, you've never really seen the true Las Vegas).  I'm so lucky to see the beauty here and to have the chance to enjoy it and add it to my past experiences with gorgeous landscape.

As I coming home after my run this morning, this song came on the radio.  I thought it summed it up pretty well, and I hope it inspires you to look for the beauty in your day today, too.

Live like we're dying

I LOVE this song by Kris Allen.  It speaks to the urgency of each and every moment, and the importance of realizing that we have limited time - just because we assume we have more time to do this or that, doesn't mean we do.  I love how it makes me think about how I'm spending my time and who I'm spending it with.

And it doesn't hurt that it has just the perfect cadence for my running stride.  :)  Enjoy!

Full Circle

My last post was all about how time has changed my circumstances and how I can now see past some of the flames that were engulfing me during the season of last year.   In the midst of those struggles, I was blessed to be able to lean on some of my dear friends who, in so many ways, helped me stand during what was undoubtedly the most trying time I've ever been through.  There were days that I could not put one foot in front of the other without their support, and I was (and still am) so thankful for them.

A few months ago, and then again this week, I learned of two separate friends who suffered miscarriages.  Three weeks ago, I learned that a woman in my church and MOPS group is battling cancer again, and this time it is back with a vengeance.  Four weeks ago, and again two days ago, I learned that two separate friends had an abnormal mass and the second is currently awaiting the results of her ultrasound.  It feels like people all around me are going through their own refining fires, and I want to be useful in helping them stand.  As a friend said to me in my time of need when I asked her for her help, "I feel like if God had me walk down this path, the least I can do is hold your hand while you walk it, too."  (Love you, Laura!)

Maybe you are facing a trial in your life, too.  It is my hope and prayer that this video will provide a tiny bit of comfort and strength to you or someone in your life who needs it.

Be Still

I've been noticing lately an increasing stirring in me that is becoming more and more difficult to ignore.  This stirring is my need to do, to be more, to strive for something higher. 

This innate desire of mine that I've seen throughout my life is not necessarily a bad quality - it has caused me to push myself further than I thought I could go (as an athlete, as a mother, as a human being).  The problem with it is tricky, though. 

It often begs me to compare myself to others, which inevitably leads to my feeling inadequate - unfocused.  It's a distraction, and not always a good thing.

I write all this because in this moment, I've noticed a longing for something...  I don't know what.  Just something else.  A new job...no job... another baby... a vacation... rearranged furniture... fill in the blank.  I'm all over the place and I seem to have lost focus.  Now the big move is complete, and there is no big project for me to spend my energy on.  I find simply being and savoring the moment unnaturally uncomfortable.  What is that?

"Be still and know that I am God" (psalm 46:10)  has always been a verse I've been drawn to.  I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe it is because being still doesn't speak to my gifts.  But, I've always wished for the ability to simply hand all my worries and cares over to my God, and let Him be in charge.  Since He is anyway.

So, as painful as it is, I'm going to force myself to take no action.  I'm going to resist the unbearable temptation to find a volunteer  position or a paid position or some other distracting position to swallow up all my time.  I'm going to just be still and wait for inspiration. 



In the meantime, I love this song and am amazed as I ponder all of God's creation pictured in this video.  I hope it inspires you, too, and helps you to be still, if, like me, that is what you need.

Remembering today

Today marks one year since we lost our third baby to miscarriage. Throughout the time since this unspeakable tragedy in our lives, I've been amazed at the number of women I've met who have suffered this silent grief - and blessed by their strength and support, and that of all of my wonderful friends. Thank you, to all of you who've been my rock and soft place in the tough times.

Like all grief, it is a process, and healing is happening. I found this song, and it really speaks what's in my heart - for my own lost baby, and for all of us who have been through the pain of losing a child before they were born. I know one day I'll meet our little one, when I go home. For now, I'll have to be content to know the perfect arms of our Saviour hold our baby, until we can.

What do we know of holy?

I was at a small group this week and getting to know some people here a little better and something struck me during a conversation with a woman and her husband. They are new to the church and are planning to be baptized soon, and we were talking about raising our kids in the faith and how hard that can be when we feel like we don't know it all or have it all together ourselves. And I wonder if I ever will have it all together.

There was no discussion about this, but my mind turned to the spiritual elitism that I've seen in the church that can easily pollute this young couple in the faith. They were talking about how it was intimidating to come to church for the first few times because they are so new to Christianity, and I was thinking about how it was intimidating to me because I was so new to the area. Different but the same - we were both being fed the same lie. I felt compelled to welcome these two children of God into the family, and assure them of their great worth - with or without all the knowledge they seek - they know Jesus and that is what is important to Him. Really, what else to do we need?

He speaks to each and every one of us individually - in a way that only speaks to us because He knows us inside and out. And He wants us to know and seek Him in the same way, with the same passion and intensity. When I think about that, I'm humbled to think that He cares that much about me - all my flaws and failures included. Like this couple, He loves me even though I don't know all the great Bible stories by heart and never went to VBS as a kid.

Later that day, I was driving and this song came on the radio by Addison Road. I've heard it at least four times since our meeting last week, and keep thinking about posting on this topic. I am finally getting it done. Enjoy the song and ask yourself, "what do you know of holy?"

The Harsh Truth

I love running to the music of Dave Matthew's Band - the lyrics are edgy and culturally relevant, and get me just angry enough to get through that last mile. This morning, when I broke my current running drought (my headaches are finally GONE!), I heard this song - "Mother, Father." It got me thinking about the state of our world today.

While I am living in my comfortable home and driving my comfortable car to get whatever I need from the store just around the corner, so many people in our world don't have clean water or a sense of safety right now. Yet, God created them just the same as He created me, and for some reason I don't understand, He placed me where He did, and them where they are. I found this video that puts it all into perspective. WARNING: it is graphic, but nothing photographed is fabricated - it all happened in real life.

After you watch this, you might walk away with a knot in your stomach, like I did. You might feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, or wish you hadn't had your good day interrupted by the tragedy you'll see, like I did. But, as the song says, "it's up to us to keep the flow," and we can't reflect the goodness and love of our Creator if we bury our heads in the sand. (and ignore the "think free" propaganda that ends the video, unless it encourages you to use your God given free will to enact some positive change)

Bright, Sunshiny Day

What a relief! After 8 (count them) days of pain, the clouds have lifted, and I am mostly pain free (save a little tiny bit of residual headache, but that's nothing)! The migraine has departed! This video is representative of how I'm feeling this most excellent day. :) Enjoy!

My heart will choose to say...

I heard this song live, in person, performed by the song writer himself, Matt Redman, (who is incredible, IMHO!) two years ago at a MOPS convention. He explained that he sat down one night to write this in the aftermath of one of several miscarriages for him and his wife. As he sung this, I remember distinctly thinking that I hoped I could praise God in the midst of storms like he has.

Now that the winds are raging around me and it's been raining for many weeks in my world, my thoughts have returned to this song and all that it stands for. I'm determined to forge ahead even though everything in me wants to sit down and hide my head.

I heard this song yesterday on the radio and I woke up to it on my alarm this morning. I think I'm meant to meditate on this message today. I hope it speaks to you, too. Enjoy!

Happy Mother's Day!

In honor of my children who love to rock out to Go Fish, and as a tribute to all moms out there on Mother's Day today - enjoy!

It's all in your perspective...

So, I was driving to meet some dear friends for coffee this morning (it turned out to be a three hour coffee date - so much fun!!), and I heard this song on my CD player. It's by Sara Groves (one of my favorite artists), and it REALLY spoke to me today. I thought it might speak to you, too.

I was dealt another hard blow yesterday, just one more thing I'll have to give up when we move that I thought I might get to hold onto. God has other plans, and I'm sure of that because this particular situation couldn't have been more bathed in prayer. I believe and told many others that it was in His hands, and just because the decision I was given was not what I'd hoped for, it doesn't change that He is in control. I'm learning today to be at peace with that, and to trust Him.

I think this song really says all that I am feeling as I work to move into a place of surrenduring all to Him because, at the end of the day, I know He'll provide for all of my needs - after all, He created me and knows every one of them.

All it takes is a change of perspective to see character instead of scars. Enjoy!

Walk down this mountain...

I LOVE this song, and feel like it pertains to me in a very literal way right now. Hope you enjoy!

"Walk Down This Mountain With Your Heart Held High" by Bebo Norman

Just one more thing

So, I'm driving in the car today and one of my favorite songs by Sara Groves comes on my CD player, "Just One More Thing". I really like this song - like all of Sara's music, the lyrics are deep and truthful and cause me to examine myself (and it doesn't hurt that it has just the right cadence for my running pace!). This is my quintessential mother motivator song that ALWAYS convicts me of how I'm so Type A and my kids are suffering because of it. Listening to Sara plead with herself to set her priorities straight and make time for her kids, I get to thinking (once again!) about my own lifestyle. I always seem to make time for the Internet, or spinning class, or whatever it is I'm consumed with at the moment. So why don't I exert the same amount of time and energy when it comes to quality time with my girls?

I'm always saying "be there in a minute" or "not now, mommy's busy". Before I know it the day is gone and I didn't ever get to the easy bake oven or playing with them and their my little ponies. I'm never at a loss for more tasks - laundry always has to be done, floors need swept, lunches need made, my "real job" is calling... I'm like every other honest mother in the world who admits the truth about being overwhelmed and sick with hurry (I can see each of you collectively nodding in understanding).

It hasn't been that long since both of my girls were born - where did seven and three years go already??? I can see the writing on the wall - if I don't slow down and simply *be* with them, it will be 10 years later and it will be too late. So, what's the answer? Do I quit my job, let go of my ministry and volunteer responsibilities and check out of my life so I can check in to theirs? I know that's simplification, but I have to wonder. Is this impending move God's way of getting my attention? Forceably removing me from all of my commitments and requiring me to reboot my life to fit my family? Maybe so - maybe not. But what a shame if I miss the wake up call and require more drastic attention getting measures. As Sara says so well, "at the end of your life your relationships are all you've got".

Here's the whole, heartwrenching and thought provoking song: