Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Like Dori in _Finding Nemo_ I've recently found myself chanting, "just keep swimming" over and over and over and over...

It seems I've gone and done it again. I'm overwhelmed. My simple life of boredom and loneliness has morphed (at my own doing) into a chaotic and BUSY craziness. I don't know how it happened! (but, then, I really do)

I'm hopelessly Type A. I'm happiest doing and committing and otherwise occupying my time and energy to the point of exhaustion. I thought I had learned this lesson, when just over a year ago, I was stripped of all of my commitments and obligations in Colorado and whisked away to the solitude of the desert.

I spent, oh, about 30 seconds licking my wounds and realizing this was God's way of getting my attention and focusing it on Him. I figured out for that brief moment in time how important it is for me to be still. Then, I got moving (naturally)!

Why, oh why do I do this? Why is it so incredibly tempting for me to fill all of my time (and then some) with stuff? Don't get me wrong - ALL of my stuff is important stuff - there is nothing that I've picked up in the last 18 months that isn't valuable. It's just that, as I sit among the ruins that have become my days, where I am finding organization and efficiency completely elusive, that I realize that I'm going to have to put something down. The problem is, what?!?

I ran across a prayer list that I wrote 18 months ago - things I wanted to be sure to pray about regularly as we were undergoing a major life transition. Some of them, happily, have long since been answered. Some, not so much, but hope endures.

One, in particular, stood out for me today. Back then, I wanted to be sure to pray that I would not pick up anything that wasn't part of God's plan for my life. I wanted to have the lessons that were hard earned just a few weeks prior to leave an indelible impression on my memory - so much so that it would change my daily life.

How quickly we return to old ways. Like a familiar old t shirt, we are drawn to old habits and long to wrap ourselves up in them so we can be comfortable.

I wonder, though, what is it going to take to get my attention this time? Instead of finding out, I'd much rather admit my weakness now and choose for myself what it is that I'll put down.

What to choose? Guess I should get back to what I know is true and be still for a moment... Anyone else have as much trouble with that as I do?