Some Lessons Of Pain

The uncanny thing about pain is that is has an unmatched ability to make a person feel alone - really alone.  I mean, someone can have compassion for another person if they've experienced something similar, like a broken bone, or a muscle injury, or a severe burn - but, ultimately, each of us must walk through the pain all by ourselves.  No matter how much a friend tries to come along side another who's in pain (either physical or emotional), and may very well know what their own experience was with the exact same affliction, pain is solitary.  (The friend coming along side thing helps, tremendously, though - don't get me wrong.) 

It's just that over the past few months I've been dealing with a debilitating and very painful joint and muscle condition (as of yet, still undiagnosed) and I've increasingly felt alone in it.  The other day, I heard the song _Lean On Me_ on the radio, and (as it has been known to do in the past) it reduced me to tears.  Music has always been particularly powerful for me, and this song has long summed up a lot of my own perspective on life and what we're doing here.

When you really think about it, all we really want in this world is to be completely understood and to not have to be alone (or maybe that is all I really want in this world).  And, when we're able, we want to be there for others in the same ways they are there for us - because we know how great it is to help and be helped in times of need.

While pain can certainly make anyone feel alone, you really never are if you reach out to others - and if they take initiative to reach out to you (a lesson I'm still trying to learn).  In the lyrics of Bill Wither's classic song, "Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on.  For, it won't be long till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on."  

I have no problem with being the one who others lean on - I really do love to help others out.  But when it comes to doing the leaning, I often allow my pride to win - never revealing my need, much less asking for help with it.  In that way, I've definitely increased my solitude and sorrow - creating a life out of balance.

Just some thoughts I'm pondering on a day when I'm finally pain free (because of a trial medication regime).  And I'm struck by the importance (once again) of seizing the day - because I don't know if the pain will return tomorrow, or if it's going to be gone for good - I need to savor each moment without it.

What about you?  Is there anyone you can lean on today - or do you find yourself in a place of strength with something to offer to a friend in need?

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25: 35-40

And so it is with life

So, I've been pondering quite a bit lately.  You can be sure when there's a lack of posting, I'm usually a) so busy that I can't see straight, or b) really struggling with something.  This time, it has been both.

A couple of days ago, I was reminded of my last visit to Colorado and my time with friends there.  It was a great trip and I really treasured my time.  On the last day I was there, we went for a hike in Waldo canyon, near where I used to live, and a familiar route - one I had taken hundreds of times over the past 10 years.  The five of us set out to get a good workout in, along with some long missed girlfriend time.  The route was just over 7 miles, as we'd planned it - a loop in the forest overlooking a beautiful canyon and a stunning example of the terrain in Colorado.  Nothing any of us were concerned about - this was a pretty usual distance for all of us.

We set out having great conversation and catching up with one another because of our separation caused by my move.  We were all happily climbing and jogging and traversing the landscape, all the while engrossed in our discussion.  It wasn't until we realized that we should have been much closer to the beginning point of our trail, but we weren't, and things weren't adding up as far as distance remaining.  The familiar suddenly became confusing.  Once confident, I became nervous and we were running out of water that warm day in September.  We began to assess what we knew to be true about our location - the road is in that direction (we could hear the cars passing), the canyon faces this direction, our starting point must be in that direction.  But our trail did not go that way from were we were standing.  We got lost, and it happened so gradually that we never even knew it until we were three miles out of our way.

Isn't that so how it is in life?  We're rolling along, feel like we have things together, so familiar with our routines that we go on autopilot and sail through our days with a few storms here and there.  But, sometimes, we look up one day and realize that we are way off course.  I did that yesterday.  It hit me that I've been sailing in the wrong direction, but it seemed like familiar enough waters that I didn't realize it until I saw just how off course I really was.

The good news is that once we know we're off course, we immediately can begin to correct our direction.  We take an assessment of where we are, where we've been, and where it was that we were planning on going.

That day in Colorado, my friends and I did make it back to our starting point, albeit 4 miles out of our intended way.  We ended up hiking a total of 11+ miles, when we only set out to do 7.  We had to get off the marked trail to go in the direction we knew we needed to go, and that path was rocky and steep and full of snakes and other natural challenges.  But once we got to our cars and to a local restaurant to refuel our weary selves, we were so thankful to be home again.

While I'm a bit off the intended course right now, I know which direction to head.  My return journey may be a bit rockier than it would have been had I never veered in the wrong direction, but how much sweeter the destination when I finally get there and am able to savor it.

Full Circle

My last post was all about how time has changed my circumstances and how I can now see past some of the flames that were engulfing me during the season of last year.   In the midst of those struggles, I was blessed to be able to lean on some of my dear friends who, in so many ways, helped me stand during what was undoubtedly the most trying time I've ever been through.  There were days that I could not put one foot in front of the other without their support, and I was (and still am) so thankful for them.

A few months ago, and then again this week, I learned of two separate friends who suffered miscarriages.  Three weeks ago, I learned that a woman in my church and MOPS group is battling cancer again, and this time it is back with a vengeance.  Four weeks ago, and again two days ago, I learned that two separate friends had an abnormal mass and the second is currently awaiting the results of her ultrasound.  It feels like people all around me are going through their own refining fires, and I want to be useful in helping them stand.  As a friend said to me in my time of need when I asked her for her help, "I feel like if God had me walk down this path, the least I can do is hold your hand while you walk it, too."  (Love you, Laura!)

Maybe you are facing a trial in your life, too.  It is my hope and prayer that this video will provide a tiny bit of comfort and strength to you or someone in your life who needs it.

The sands of time

Isn't if funny how life throws us curves and bumps and peaks and valleys, but is always changing?  Recently, I've been completely awed by the fact that today looks so very different than yesterday (I'm talking figuratively, here, although literally applies, too).

• A week ago, it was last year.  NOW it is a new year, almost 100% full of unknown adventures and potential.
  
• A month ago, we were wrestling with a decision about what we could do to be better parents to our youngest child, in particular, who was clearly BORED OUT OF HER MIND (as evidenced by her artwork on our couch, among other places).  I was trying to work from home and earn some much needed extra income, and I was being pulled in too many directions to do anything really well (yes, this is a repeating theme in my life).  NOW we've taken a leap of faith and enrolled her in preschool, even though we were not sure at the time where the money would come from to fund this decision.  Today, I'm so overwhelmed with work from my freelance jobs that I'm relieved to have both the extra money and the time to myself every morning with both girls in school.  And she is THRIVING after only four days of preschool!! 
  
• Two months ago, I was wrestling with my own demons around whether we'll have that third child (brought to the forefront by the anniversary of losing our third pregnancy a year ago in Nov) AND I was really upset at the prospect of having to go back to work at a time I thought I really didn't want to.  NOW, while I still dream of having another baby to snuggle and nurture and raise, I'm starting to see around the corner and am getting excited for the future - whatever it may hold, instead of reminiscing in the past.  I'm also hopeful that some additional prospective job opportunities that have recently been brought to my attention will come to fruition.  (Isn't God so good?  I'm ashamed I doubted Him at all when He told me there would be joy again.)
• Four months ago, as the weather here was quickly cooling (it literally drops 20 degrees overnight, then again a few weeks later, then again a few weeks later) and I was beginning to feel cheated (I mean, my consolation for having to come to the desert was perpetual summertime, right?!?), I started to become even more bitter that I had been stripped from my home in Colorado and plunked in the desert where it still gets cold (albeit not quite as cold as CO) and I was lonely.  NOW, I'm able to get outside and run in 50-60 degree weather while I hear of the rest of the nation struggling through a winter cold front that has brought ice and snow and COLD for weeks on end.  For the moment, it looks like we're sitting pretty good weather-wise.
• Six months ago, we had just arrived in our new hometown and I was LONELY.  Really lonely.  And I longed for friendship in my new town, but it alluded me.  It seemed everywhere I looked I could see groups of women friends who were enjoying one another's company, but didn't seem to be interested in having me join them.  I felt disconnected and sad, and I desperately tried to keep in touch with all of my friends in CO to make up for it.  NOW I've found several women here in the desert who have been gracious to me and we're forming friendships that I can already tell will be strong, regardless of physical location in the future.  We're finally feeling plugged in to our church home and there are people in this city who know our names and notice when we're out of town.  I'm feeling some connection and that is huge.  And, as an added bonus (because that is just how generous our God is), a friend of mine from CO will be relocating here in three week's time.  Seriously, I couldn't not have made that up!!  Can you say "RUNNING PARTNER?!?!"
  
• Eight months ago, we were preparing to leave our home, packing our things, saying goodbye, and shedding lots and lots of tears.  We were headed to the unknown and it was scary and sad and frustrating and all of that tied into one.  NOW, that is behind us and we are able to see the blessings of where we are versus where we've been, and while we still miss our friends and our home in CO, it is ok.  We've made new kinds of connections with them, and those friendships transcend location.
  

It's going to be ok.  What a difference time makes.  I'm so glad I hung in there, and I hope I'll never forget these lessons while I keep my attention on what is to come.

Thank you for journeying this far with me, and thank you, in advance, for sticking with me - you are a blessing!

Rocking the Boat

Have you ever noticed that when one member of a group, whatever the group might be, is off balance, the whole group loses balance? In this case, the group I'm referring to is our family, but I think this principle applies to all groups where people interact with and depend upon one another - including friends, clubs, churches, schools, governments, charitable organizations and for profit businesses.

(Now, many of you may find yourselves thinking about members of your own family that are off balance, but try to stay with me here - this is an easy way to get distracted, and I've already written about how I'm losing that battle lately...)

Anyway, this week was a week of change and family-member-off-balanceness (is that a word?). It wasn't any one member who was off balance at any given time, and, at least this week, it wasn't always me.

One person in our family this week got sick (again), another had some difficult challenges personally that caused an emotional setback. The rest of the family members, who weren't the boat rockers at that given moment (believe me, we all take turns!), just tried to hold on and keep things moving in the right direction. But being unaffected was not an option, even though some of us might have wanted it that way.

The details are less important than the big picture. What is important to take away from this week, for me, is that one member of the family who is experiencing drama of any kind can easily rock the family boat. Whether or not one person realizes it, their drama impacts the other people in their group - sometimes in minor ways, sometimes in not-so-minor ways, but there is always an impact. But, there's also always an opportunity to come together as a group and overcome one person's struggle together.

Then, I got to thinking about my own drama (yes, occasionally, I experience a tiny bit). My thoughts turn to something I heard years ago about how the wife/mother of a family is often (or always) in a position to set the tone for the entire family. The phrasing was more eloquent than, "if momma ain't happy, then no one's happy," but it had the same sentiment. It's a big responsibility, and one that I don't always successfully engage in, but so true in my experience. When I start focusing on my family, and less on my own "stuff," the whole group is better for it. And, when I have some type of personal struggle (because we all do) and it's my turn to rock the boat, I can always rely on my family to rally around me, because I'm not in this alone.

It's not really rocket science, it's just interesting to me at the moment that we're so interconnected. In a world where many of us sometimes feel all alone (myself included), when you really think about it, even the littlest ripple in one person's life can make an impact on so many others.

Just a few things I'm pondering today...

Top 10 Things I'm Thankful For Today

An attitude of gratitude is an important one to have, and in an effort to hone mine, here are my top 10 things I'm thankful for today:

10) Another sunny, hot day in the desert where I can admire palm trees and beautiful rock formations not too far from our home.

9) A fixed bike trailer so that I can take the kids to school on my bike with Denali in tow and Aubrielle on her bike. (Thanks, to my wonderful hubby!)

8) A beautiful (and somewhat shady) greenbelt path to ride traffic free all the way to school

7) Sleeping through the night last night with no headache to wake me up

6) Knowing that I have lifelong, deep friendships - even if those friends don't live where I do

5) Plans for the weekend to celebrate Aubrielle's 8th birthday - and all the years we've had with her as part of our family.

4) New workout shorts and shirts that I found at Target yesterday on clearance - so cheap AND cute!

3) Being reminded yesterday that I am not walking in the sand of the desert all by myself.

2) Finishing all of my blog writing (for work) before 8 am this morning! My weekend has already begun.

1) A sense of peace that all will eventually work out the way it needs to, and there are good things still to come.

Persist

So, after what has been a VERY trying last several weeks, I have found myself (once again!) stuck. Stuck pitying myself and my situation, stuck wishing for something that I cannot have, stuck asking God "why me?" at every turn.

I got a phone call from a dear friend this morning because she sensed that I needed to talk. She called me despite being in a very trying situation herself, but she wasn't focused on herself. She was focused on me and how I was doing, and I was touched and humbled. We spent some time talking about our circumstances, how they are the same, yet different. She told me about how God has made Himself very real to her in her own struggles lately and how He appears on the faces of people in her life. Now she is actively looking for Him in faces all around her, and she's finding Him.

If I pay attention, I can see Him, too. I saw Him last night in my 8 year old, who, for no apparent reason, suddenly came over to me and gave me a big hug. I saw Him in my friend who called today out of the blue. I saw Him in the very kind girl behind the counter at Fuddrucker's (where Denali and I had lunch) when she offered me Denali's lunch for free because of some promotion they are starting this evening (well after lunch is over). And, when I was driving around this afternoon, running some errands, I saw Him in a license plate. I quickly snapped a picture of it when we were stopped at a light.

I'm going to persist. I have it on very good authority that it will all be worth it someday.

Loneliness

Here, where I sit today, I'm a tad bit lonely. We are new to this city and although there are tons of families with young children here (I've seen them with my own eyes!), it does seem as though everyone is too busy to make new friends. They've already got some - as evidenced by the hugs and pocket conversations going on all around us - in church, at parks, in restaurants.

I look longingly at other groups of people who are so engrossed in catching up with one another and wish we could find some other families that are as lonely as we are to talk with, make playdates with, and otherwise get to know. (I am much more concerned about this than Kyle is, in the spirit of complete honesty!).

I don't know what I expected - maybe for a few women to simply appear in my path, you know, the kind who once you talk for a little while you feel like you've known them all your life? The kind who make you feel at home, and are easy to be around? The ones with kids around the same ages as mine, who might even be interested in a new running partner? Not that I've given it much thought, or anything! :) These women have proven elusive so far (although it's only been two weeks...).

In the meantime, yesterday I got a phone call from a friend back in Colorado checking in with me. We talked and I shared my heart with her. This morning brought an instant message conversation with another friend and a phone call from yet another. I told both of them, too, about my sorrow over not finding any women here to befriend. Then, I got an email from another wonderful woman just checking in with me to see how I am doing. Several others have been sending invitations for me to join their network on a popular social network site (which, until today, I've been trying to avoid for fear of being literally sucked into my computer).

Are you catching a theme here? It took me all morning to realize what is happening. I've been so caught up in my own private little pity party to get that God is showing me how there are plenty of lifelong friends in my life already. They just don't happen to be in the same city anymore, and may not look exactly like the specific expectations I had for them. They are there, and all this technology exits to make them readily available to me, to support me and encourage me - and for me to be all of that to them.

Which brings me to my second profound realization of the day... If I'm feeling this lonely and all it takes is for someone else to pick up the phone, send a quick email, shoot a brief IM, smile and strike up a conversation, what is preventing me from being that person? What is keeping me from being the one to get outside my comfort zone and take a risk with another woman here in my city? Pride, fear, whatever it is... It is a strong pull, but I can't be the only one who feels alone in a city of hundreds of thousands (many of whom are new to this area, too, by looking at the demographics).

I need to digest and accept that this may not just fall into place, it may actually take me doing some work to get to the place I want to be. sigh I'm going to make a pledge to reach out to one other person today. It may make all the difference for them - I know it would (and has) to me. What if we all did that? What if you did?

What a week!

A week ago today, I knew that the next seven days would be crazy busy and tough to get through, but as I look back on the week, I'm amazed at all we got done. Here's a play by play so you'll understand why I've not been blogging as much lately:

Kyle feverishly worked all week long on building our two back decks - first sawing out the existing concrete patio to make room for deep holes (which he also dug, painstakingly), then pouring more concrete to make the piers for the posts of the decks. He then hired a crew to build the frames of the decks (smart man!). Finally, a friend came for two days to help him put the decking and rails on the decks. They are wonderful, and it is such an injustice that he won't be here for the next several weeks to enjoy the fruit of his labor. The girls and I will have to enjoy them double for him. Here are a couple shots.

The one at the far end of the picture is off our master bedroom, and all but the rails is finished - Kyle's friend is coming back next week to complete that deck in his absence. I'm so excited to eat a few meals, drink a few cups of coffee out there, and spend some time marveling at the tree house our back yard has become now!

While Kyle was working away at the deck projects, I was busily gathering things around our home for our garage sale that we either do not need anymore, or simply do not want to move all the way to Nevada and organizing them in the garage.

On Thursday night, a friend surprised me with a dinner with some other women who I've been privileged to serve with in our local MOPS group. She took me to Chic Fil A because she knew that I'd miss that particular restaurant when we move (can you believe there are none in the whole state of Nevada?!?). While not a glamorous meal at a fancy restaurant, the thoughtfulness she put into the evening was SO touching and such a blessing. I was presented with a photo of all of us together, in a frame, with a matte on which each of them wrote a special message for me. I was humbled at the knowledge that they went to all that trouble to honor me. What a gift.

After dinner, a few women had to get back to their families, but three of us stayed behind to spend some time together. We decided "on the fly" to have some fun by trying on prom dresses! So out of character for me (I'm always so serious...), so I was a little uneasy about the whole idea, but I didn't have a better one, so we went for it. It was so much fun - turns out letting loose a little bit and doing something silly is actually a really good time! The best part was the time with friends that will be such a great memory!

After all that excitement, it was back to the work of putting together the garage sale, which I did all day Friday. Saturday was the big day, and people showed up early (I knew they'd do that, but I was SO not ready). We hurredly got everything put out, eventually, and the day was a huge success. We now have much less to move, helped some people out with some great bargains, and made a little money in the process. A friend of mine stopped by early in the morning to drop off a few things she wanted to sell, and ended up staying all day long to help me out. Isn't it amazing how God takes care of us through our friends?? So neat - I was so thankful for all her hard work and don't know how I would have done it all without her.

Kyle and I finally sat down with the kids to a really healthy meal of buffalo chicken wings and fried mushrooms (yum!) last night around 8:30 pm (yes, that is way past their bedtimes). We then collapsed into bed with little energy to spare.

This morning, Bri and Kyle made blueberry pancakes and sausages for me for Mother's day. They surprised me with an incredible book Kyle made on Blurb.com with pictures of the last several years of our lives - some from when Kyle and I were newly married, some chronicalling Aubrielle from her newborn days to now, and the same for Denali. I was so touched, (and so fried from the exhausting week past) that I burst into tears. I had to assure Bri that these were "happy tears" - she was looking a little worried (she had been so excited all week for me to open this gift). I couldn't think of a better Mother's Day gift than a priceless book that I can thumb through whenever I want to swim in some very happy memories of our lives together. It made me feel so loved, and so lucky.

Today has been so bittersweet. The craziness of the garage sale is behind me, I have two long-awaited and gorgeous decks to enjoy for the next few weeks, I have been honored and loved by my husband and children. But, today is the day that Kyle also has to leave us for the next three weeks to work in Las Vegas.

He left a few hours ago, and I spent much of this afternoon crying and sniffling. Telling myself that it is only temporary, that it will go by before I know it (with all the things I still have left to do), and that my last pair of contacts are going to go fuzzy if I don't stop, didn't seem to be working. Emotions! They have a mind of their own. A week ago, I could only imagine all the things that are different today and next week will likely be the same with so much going on this month. My challenge is to not get lost in the busyness of life right now and keep looking around so I don't miss anything important!

Whew! I'm so tired. I think I'll go lay in front of the television with the kids for awhile and have some of the chocolate cake that's in the fridge for dinner. :)

Friendship

"My friends have made the story of my life. In a thousand ways they have turned my limitations into beautiful privileges, and enabled me to walk serene and happy in the shadow cast by my deprivation." ~Helen Keller

Friends. What a wonderful way for God to take care of us while we're here on earth.

Over the past 10 years here in Colorado, I've been blessed with so many. Friends that I've worked with, friends that I camp with, run up mountains with, drink coffee with, talk for hours on the phone with, feed my e-mail addiction with, etc. etc. Friendships have formed out of the most ordinary of life's activities and the most extraordinary. Bonds made between fellow women, mothers, wives, and sisters in Christ.

Today I ran into a friend at the coffee shop and we took a few minutes to catch up. We haven't had much time together over the past year, due to the craziness of life, but I was struck at how easy it was to pick up where we last left off, and at just the right time - for both of us. Last weekend, I attended a baby shower for another friend and was blessed to find the time to spend with several of my friends that I don't get to see very often.

There are friends, too, that have been in my life (or I've been in theirs!) for a short season, and we've now lost touch. I think of my friend whose husband struggled and later died of a brain tumor and wonder where she is today and what is going on in her life. I think of a friend who was once a close confidant, my go-to person for all of life's joys and challenges who is no longer so close and I miss some of our long conversations about nothing in general. I think of friends through various life stages, my high school/college friends, single friends, married without children friends, etc. etc. and wonder about each of them now. Do they have children of their own? Where are they living? Did they realize their hopes and dreams that we planned so carefully together all those years ago?

Whether these friendships endured for decades or mere months, they have each left their imprint on my life, shaping me, teaching me, and bringing me strong emotion - both good and bad.

One of the things I'm going to mourn the most about leaving Colorado is leaving my friends here. I know that God has promised to provide for me wherever I am, and because of that, I'm sure He'll bring new women into my life that will be just right for whatever season we're in, but it doesn't make leaving any easier. I do find comfort in knowing that we have the technology and transportation means to make the distance less of an obstacle to keeping close, but there is a nagging fear that it won't be the same. And maybe that's the point.