A Decision

Decisions. We're faced with so many day to day that it would make my head spin if I realized just how many I make in a 24 hour period. It is noteable to me that even though I successfully choose between countless options set before me all day long, I struggle with what I deem 'BIG' decisions. The little ones seem so much a part of life that I hardly notice them. I make them with little concern and plenty of confidence.

Why, then, when faced with what I subjectively call a BIG decision, am I suddenly anxious and practically paralyzed in my overanalysis of "what ifs"? When I choose wisely, I hardly give myself any credit. Instead, I roll along with little regard for what might have happened if another route was chosen (take those instances when driving that we've all had when we choose one thing, knowing full well that another choice would have surely been life altering). I don't pay much attention to the "good" choices I make, but watch out if I choose wrong. In addition to any negative consequences (which can be so brutal), I then have to face my own worst critic. Myself.

What IS that?? I mean, I know that I'm not the only one who does that - focus on my mistakes (or those of others, like, say, my children), rather than small victories (or even the large ones). I may have very thoughtfully and prayerfully come to a certain conclusion about a crossroad I have faced in my life (talking about the BIGGER decisions), weighed my options carefully, and chosen wisely at the precise time I needed to, which has allowed some wonderful consequence to blossom, but when asked about the best decisions I've made in my life, I find myself pausing to think and feel unsure. Of course, marrying Kyle was a good one. And finishing my Master's Degree, having my girls, pursuing a healthy lifestyle.


When asked about the worst decisions, so many come to mind it's hard to choose which to share. How about that time in high school when I drank alcohol at a party after Prom and ended up with an MIP and got kicked off the track team? Or, when I decided it would be fun to buy a brand new Pontiac Grand Prix because I wanted it, and later had to sell it because A) I couldn't really afford it and B) I became pregnant and a two door sports car just wouldn't really work out with the carseat and all. What about earlier today when I lost my cool with my girls and raised my voice for something trivial? I could go on and on and on, but you get the picture (it's harsh to see all of that in print!).


This decision we've been facing to move to Las Vegas falls, of course, into that BIG category. It's been made now. We're planning the move for late May, early June - just after Bri gets out of school for the summer. Whether this turns out to be one of those "good" decisions, or one that we'll regret, remains to be seen. That's the uncanny thing about decisions. You don't often get to see the consequences (good or bad) right away. But there are always consequences (good or bad).

I know this time this decision is life altering. I just don't know exactly how my life and the lives of our children will be altered - good or bad. Maybe that's a blessing, and I guess the point is to do the best we can with what we're facing. For now, there is peace in knowing the work of making this particular decision has been done - and that's something.