Control Freak

I admit it, I struggle daily with the need to control. Everything. I want to be in charge, unless I don't. I want to control the influences on my children, the nutrition choices of my family, the remote control. I go to such control freak extremes as to obsess about details about things that may or may not happen - just so I can feel more in control. I control my daily schedule and those of my children. I control the amount of exercise I do and what food I eat (or don't). I control my reactions (or lack thereof) to others, most specifically, to my husband and my children. I control my emotions - or do I?

Emotions... They're so, well, uncontrollable. They just happen, despite my valiant attempts to make them do what I want, they don't. I am plugging along and seemingly out of nowhere I'll find myself welling up with tears and feeling sad or overwhelmed or mad or... More than I care to admit, I am asking myself "where did THAT come from, and what IS it?". So I can control it, presumably. That's the thing. Even if I know what is causing my emotion, I don't have the power to control it. It just is. And I just have to walk through it.

When I was in graduate school, I decided that the topic for my dissertation would be grief. I wanted to know anything and everything about the topic - what it looks like, how to measure it, what to do about treating it. In my attempt to learn everything I could about grief (which I know was to avoid ever having to feel it for myself, but I'll spare you the extended psychoanalysis!), what I learned was that it is hard to measure and control. There are simply too many variables to consider (the grief event, life experience, attitudes, cultural influences, etc). While there are some things that are universal in the human experience of grieving, too many things about it are individual. Everyone (including me) feels it in a unique way and has to cope with it on their own, individual terms. (Glad I spent considerable time and effort to learn that!)

As it turns out, with emotions, or more generally just in everyday life, as much as we work to be in control, it really is an illusion. It doesn't stop people like me from trying and fooling ourselves into feeling like we have control, but when we're honest, we admit that, ultimately, we're not the ones in control.

Sure, there are some things I've been given the authority to control - I DO get to control whether I brush my teeth or have another cup of coffee or go to bed early. I get to control my reactions to my loved ones - sometimes I choose wisely, and other times I choose very, very poorly.

It just occurred to me that there is wisdom in focusing on the things I can control and make the effort to choose wisely, instead of focusing on the many things I can't control, which causes me to spin my wheels, and are a complete waste of my time and energy. Maybe you can find some wisdom in that in your life, too. Maybe you already have.

It all reminds me of lyrics to another of Sara Groves' songs, " Remember Surrender":

'Remember surrender,
Remember the rest
Remember that weight lifting off of your chest
And realizing that it's not up to you, and it never was"