What You Focus On Grows

My friend, Laura, posted this quote on her blog recently:

“A person will worship something, have no doubt about that.  

We may think tribute is paid in secret, in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will play out.  

 That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives and our character.  

Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping, we are becoming.” 

~  Ralph Waldo Emerson

This, for me, has been a daily struggle - I've posted about it before - what I focus on grows.  And, what I worship, I am becoming. 

This truth was made clear to me yesterday through my daughter, who tends to ruminate and easily become consumed by her emotions.  It's often the negative ones she's feeling that do her in and can lead her even to physical sickness.  She and I had a discussion yesterday as she was complaining of not feeling well about trying to focus on "happy things" instead of how badly she was feeling.  I could see her spiraling downward in that all-to-familiar cycle that often leads to a place none of us want to go, and I was desperate to help her try to avoid going there.

And I wish I had someone to give me that pep talk whenever I'm consumed by frustration or anger or sadness and allow myself to submit to those negative feelings, influencing my entire day for the worse (and just about everyone who has contact with me).  What I focus on grows.  Whether it's how great my day is going or how tough my lot in life seems at any given moment.  

So, I had to ask my daughter yesterday the same question I should be asking myself EVERY DAY.  What do we want to grow?

Sickness?

Anger?

Sadness?

Pity?

Selfishness?

Jealousy?

Greed?

Apathy?

 

or...

Peace?

Patience?

Kindness?

Compassion?

Love?

Joy?

Faithfullness?

Gentleness?

Self-Control?

This morning, as my little girl awoke, she came out to the kitchen to announce to me that she was feeling better and she believes that she "kept the sickness away with happy thoughts".  One battle won.

I want to win today, too.  How about you? 

Galatians 5:16-25

Reflections on an upcoming Mother's Day

It's been a tough week.  I've been in single parent mode for 9 days (but who's counting?!?), and I am so tired and grumpy and focused on the relief that will come when my better half finally comes walking through the door this evening to save me from total and complete responsibility.

Just now, I was browsing some of my frequent online stops (as I'm gearing up to do some actual work).   On one of those sites, I just read an interesting quote.  "What you focus on grows"

Can you say conviction?

As I was pondering that little gem, and how I'm obviously focusing on stuff that I most definitely DO NOT want to grow, I happened upon another link to a website created and maintained by a mother who lost her 3 1/2 year old son last month to Leukemia.  She was talking about how she's dreading this Mother's Day because she is a mother but is without her son, which is what prompted me to see what she was talking about by visiting her site.

Wow, is all I can say.  I read just a tiny bit of her telling the story of her son's memorial service and watched the pictures of him and their family scroll across the screen in slideshow after slideshow, and tears streamed down my face as I thought about the pain and torment she must be enduring in these weeks following such a tragic loss.  Then, her son's face was replaced by my daughters' faces in my mind's eye and I was immediately caught up with the "what if that were my child" thoughts, and the emotion of that opened the floodgates.  And I haven't had to walk her road.

Instead, I have two healthy, strong, beautiful, vibrant little girls who've been entrusted to me for a short time.  And, I've spent way too much time focused on how hard it is to parent them, how much I sacrifice to be a mother (financially, emotionally, relationally), and all the work I do every day to simply keep our household running with two kids going in two different directions all the time.

What you focus on grows.

For far too long, I've been very focused on myself, my needs, my pain and struggles.  And I've struggled with why I cannot seem to escape the pit of anger and frustration that I inevitably fall into when I'm not diligent about staying out of it.  Why does it have to be so much work to simply focus on the moment, build relationship, and be happy?  Because what you focus on grows, and I'm focused on negativity, not what I want to grow.

So, I'm making a public announcement that this Mother's Day (and for the days to follow), I'm going to make a concerted effort to remember that what I focus on grows.  I'm going to focus on:

• the laughter of two girls who so enjoy one another's company (most of the time)
• the bright twinkle in my oldests' big brown eyes when I play with her
• the still babyish "accent" that my youngest has when she talks with such big words and ideas
• the joy that both girls express when I sit down to read them a bedtime story
• that infectious smile my youngest displays regularly
• both girls' angelic voices as they call me "mama"
• all the gifts of motherhood and how they far outweigh any sacrifices
• how I'm so abundantly blessed

What are you focused on? What do you want to grow in your life?

Happy Mother's Day!

And so it is with life

So, I've been pondering quite a bit lately.  You can be sure when there's a lack of posting, I'm usually a) so busy that I can't see straight, or b) really struggling with something.  This time, it has been both.

A couple of days ago, I was reminded of my last visit to Colorado and my time with friends there.  It was a great trip and I really treasured my time.  On the last day I was there, we went for a hike in Waldo canyon, near where I used to live, and a familiar route - one I had taken hundreds of times over the past 10 years.  The five of us set out to get a good workout in, along with some long missed girlfriend time.  The route was just over 7 miles, as we'd planned it - a loop in the forest overlooking a beautiful canyon and a stunning example of the terrain in Colorado.  Nothing any of us were concerned about - this was a pretty usual distance for all of us.

We set out having great conversation and catching up with one another because of our separation caused by my move.  We were all happily climbing and jogging and traversing the landscape, all the while engrossed in our discussion.  It wasn't until we realized that we should have been much closer to the beginning point of our trail, but we weren't, and things weren't adding up as far as distance remaining.  The familiar suddenly became confusing.  Once confident, I became nervous and we were running out of water that warm day in September.  We began to assess what we knew to be true about our location - the road is in that direction (we could hear the cars passing), the canyon faces this direction, our starting point must be in that direction.  But our trail did not go that way from were we were standing.  We got lost, and it happened so gradually that we never even knew it until we were three miles out of our way.

Isn't that so how it is in life?  We're rolling along, feel like we have things together, so familiar with our routines that we go on autopilot and sail through our days with a few storms here and there.  But, sometimes, we look up one day and realize that we are way off course.  I did that yesterday.  It hit me that I've been sailing in the wrong direction, but it seemed like familiar enough waters that I didn't realize it until I saw just how off course I really was.

The good news is that once we know we're off course, we immediately can begin to correct our direction.  We take an assessment of where we are, where we've been, and where it was that we were planning on going.

That day in Colorado, my friends and I did make it back to our starting point, albeit 4 miles out of our intended way.  We ended up hiking a total of 11+ miles, when we only set out to do 7.  We had to get off the marked trail to go in the direction we knew we needed to go, and that path was rocky and steep and full of snakes and other natural challenges.  But once we got to our cars and to a local restaurant to refuel our weary selves, we were so thankful to be home again.

While I'm a bit off the intended course right now, I know which direction to head.  My return journey may be a bit rockier than it would have been had I never veered in the wrong direction, but how much sweeter the destination when I finally get there and am able to savor it.

Breakin the Rules

Sometimes you just have to break the rules. 

You know those days when what you had planned isn't exactly what you wanted to do with your precious little time?  Or, more accurately, when what you had planned was just exactly opposite what you wanted to do?  In fact, have you ever felt like going through with what you had planned would cause unnecessary stress, hardship, pain, and suffering??

Well, today was one of those days for me.  What I had planned was to meet my trainer for the last of our appointments at the gym.  What I REALLY wanted to do was anything but meet my trainer at the gym.  Seriously. 

Root canal?  Ok! 

Change a friend's kid's blown out diaper?  Sign me up! 

Just don't make me endure one more session of weight lifting with the trainer who will not listen to me now matter how much I tell her I loathe that particular form of exercise!! 

I mean, I'm not afraid to sweat.  I LOVE spinning, swimming endless laps in a pool, and running triathlons.  I'm no stranger to the gym, and under any other circumstances I doubt I'd be so adamant.  What is it about this trainer that makes me long to crawl under a rock and hide?  What is it about lifting weights that makes me wish I could go poke pins in my eyes instead??  Why, when I volunteered for this, am I IM'ing a friend with less than 13 minutes before my appt. so she could make me feel better about the way I was feeling? (Thanks, Sunny, for your unwavering support!)

Anyway, so what I had planned today was just SO not what I wanted to do.  So, I didn't.  Instead, Denali and I went to In n Out Burger and the park for lunch.

I hope the guilt doesn't eat me alive...

Freak of Nature

Why does my body have to fight me so?  I've started going to the gym regularly (I've written about this before), I'm working with a trainer at the gym who's having me lift weights (which I HATE to do), and I've been careful about not adding calories to my days even though my increased activity screams for them.

All of that effort, and it never fails that once a week or two go by with regular exercise, I GAIN WEIGHT!!  huh?  Isn't it supposed to work the other way around? 

Throughout my adult life, whenever I go through an activity lull, I ALWAYS lose weight.  When I was training for triathlons, working out like two hours every day, I kept waiting for the weight to melt off.  But, no - I actually maintained or even gained a few pounds during that year of intensity.  This last summer, with all of the craziness of moving, the intensity of the heat, and my two month long headache, I was not exercising much at all.  Yep, I lost about five pounds.  ??

I mean, where's my built in incentive to keep trudging away on the treadmill and meeting that lady who makes me try out all the stupid nautilus machines at the gym??  I've lost my CO running buddies, so now I don't even have their great conversation to prompt me to keep moving. 

All I have now is a higher number on the scale.  Yipee.  Oh, and I suppose the knowledge that I'm taking good care of my health...

(And, if you're tempted to comment about how muscle weighs more than fat, or anything about how it's not the scale that is the measure of good health - tell that to the trainer who, after weighing me, told me that I'm "overfat".  I'm only slightly bitter about that still.)

sigh

A Head Start On New Year's

Yesterday, Kyle and I took the plunge (no, not THAT plunge - we did that over 15 years ago...). We finally joined a local gym.
We've been dragging our feet about this, but talking about it for some time. Now that we've been here 5 months, we thought it was time to, A) admit we're really local residents and put down some roots (the gym membership is a two year commitment), and B) get serious about our fitness again.

So, today marks day one of our new fitness regime - we are both restarting the Body for Life plan that has been remarkably successful in the past at bringing our fitness levels up and fat levels down in a short period of time.

Why am I blogging about this? Accountability, people. I need it.

Will you hold me to it?

Better yet, will you join us? :)

JoAnna's Day 1 so far: cut out sugar and cream from my morning coffee, ran on the treadmill for HIIT workout, drank 12 oz. of water and counting...

Distractions and disconnection

I've been noticing lately a heightened sense of the disconnection that is all around me (and in me). Everywhere I go, I see people, but they don't seem to see me or anyone else. Everyone seems to be plugged in and tuned out.


What strikes me about this is not my own sense of loneliness in a town where there are few people who recognize me - instead, it's the irony of everyone's intense desire and innate drive to CONNECT and to BE CONNECTED that is ultimately rendering them completely disconnected... to everything and everyone.

I mean, at the park, it is rare for me to see a parent who is interacting with their child or another parent, but is instead engrossed in a cell phone conversation. The other day, while stopped at a red light, I saw several people crossing the street. One person was listening intently to her iPod, another concentrating on a text message, and yet another reading a book with earphones on. No one spoke to anyone else, and didn't even seem to see them.

What I'm noticing about this cultural phenomenon, that I know I'm certainly not the first to observe, is that, through the same disconnect I see all around me, I am setting a strong pattern in my own life. I'm just as guilty as the people I see every day. I carry my cell phone everywhere I go and can read emails, text messages, and surf the internet whenever I want. And, I do. ALOT.

Think about this. Have you ever been at a coffee shop, waiting for a friend, perhaps, when you felt uncomfortable by being alone, so you dove into your cell phone to appear connected? I'm guilty of this - and what it is really saying to people around me is "back off, I'm not interested." I put up my invisible bubble.

The other day, I was standing in line at a grocery store and found myself watching the woman who was ahead of me and checking out. She was on her cell phone, having a conversation with someone, while the cashier was doing her job and bagging her items. I noticed how uncomfortable the cashier seemed because when she told the woman her total, she didn't even acknowledge her and just continued talking while she swiped her credit card. The cashier just looked down and tried to stay busy with her bagging, and the woman just kept talking. The scene made me uncomfortable, and I felt compelled to make eye contact with the cashier as if to say to her, "I see you and appreciate what you're doing." I was offended by this woman's rude behavior and was quick to judge.

Then, I realized, I'm guilty of similar offenses all day long. I ignore my husband because I'm busy texting a friend. I absentmindedly respond to my daughter when she's asking me a question because I'm busy working on the computer. I don't strike up a conversation with the mom standing next to me at the end of the school day as we wait for our children. I'm disconnected, yet long for just the opposite.

Recently, I read an article written by a man who was trying an experiment to stop multitasking. If he was in the shower, no radio. If he was having breakfast, no newspaper or tv. If he was writing, no checking emails. If he was playing with his son, no phone call interruptions, music in the background, or conversations with any other family members. He actually had to retrain himself by speaking aloud what it was he was doing so that his mind didn't wander onto another task or topic. It may sound a little over the top, but he was having to take drastic measures to unlearn so many habits he'd created. What he discovered was that it isn't true that the more we get done at once (multitask), the more productive we are. Instead, we get less done and do it less well. And, we overwhelm ourselves (stress!) and rob the people in our lives of our full attention and presence.

Multitasking is a socially acceptable way to keep yourself distracted and disconnected. And, for me, it has become an excuse to stay disconnected to avoid the emotional risk relationships can carry. So, it seems I've created an impossible situation - I'm lonely, but, when I really examine my behavior, I can see that I've worked quite hard to keep myself that way. How does that make sense?!?

Have you bought this popular lie, too? I have, and I need to return it for a full refund.

Taking an inventory

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about lessons learned. Specifically, what I have learned about myself and who I am over the past decade. Here are a few thoughts written out, so I don't forget.

1. I procrastinate. Especially when it's a task I don't particularly like or feel forced into completing.
2. I love being a bit off center, and things that are just slightly unlike everything else.
3. I am not a naturally organized person, but THRIVE when I take the time to get organized (see #1)
4. Who knew I was a morning person? Don't love the getting up part, but really enjoy early mornings when I'm the only one up. I get so much done - it's my best time of the day
5. I like to be challenged intellectually and I really love to make connections between philosophical ideas and real life.
6. I am sorta creative, not totally - I love to work from templates (in just about everything!) - I guess I'm not a trail blazer without some kind of example to follow.
7. I have to work really, really hard at not putting myself first - this is a daily battle and one that I think I'll fight all of my life. I'm naturally pretty selfish.
8. I have a hard time respecting myself (and anyone else) when I allow life to just happen to me, and not take some ownership and ACTION. I'm finding that there is a balance to be struck here - as I am not in control, either.
9. While I have made all kinds of proclamations and sworn all sorts of vows to never be dependent upon anyone else, I'm totally and hopelessly dependent upon my spouse. And, I still try to pretend that I'm not.
10. I do so much better when I set goals and write them down so I can read them regularly and stay on course.
11. I tend to set standards for myself that are ridiculously high and impossible to attain, then beat myself up for not being perfect - and I have to be careful to not do that with others, especially my children.
12. When I don't know how to do something, no matter what it is, I figure I can read a book or look it up online to figure it out. This is how I learned how to lay tile, parent, build Web sites, train for triathlons, program our universal remote, etc. etc.
13. Time management is a struggle for me when I don't set my schedule in advance. I believe the phrase, "if you're failing to plan, you're planning to fail" is especially true for me (see #1).
14. When I decide I want to achieve something, I almost always do. Eventually.

What have you learned about yourself, and what are you still discovering?

Quote to ponder for today

So, I read this quote by Francis Bacon today that really hit home...

"They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they see nothing but sea."

Well, I'm determined to be no "ill discoverer"!! :)

Loneliness

Here, where I sit today, I'm a tad bit lonely. We are new to this city and although there are tons of families with young children here (I've seen them with my own eyes!), it does seem as though everyone is too busy to make new friends. They've already got some - as evidenced by the hugs and pocket conversations going on all around us - in church, at parks, in restaurants.

I look longingly at other groups of people who are so engrossed in catching up with one another and wish we could find some other families that are as lonely as we are to talk with, make playdates with, and otherwise get to know. (I am much more concerned about this than Kyle is, in the spirit of complete honesty!).

I don't know what I expected - maybe for a few women to simply appear in my path, you know, the kind who once you talk for a little while you feel like you've known them all your life? The kind who make you feel at home, and are easy to be around? The ones with kids around the same ages as mine, who might even be interested in a new running partner? Not that I've given it much thought, or anything! :) These women have proven elusive so far (although it's only been two weeks...).

In the meantime, yesterday I got a phone call from a friend back in Colorado checking in with me. We talked and I shared my heart with her. This morning brought an instant message conversation with another friend and a phone call from yet another. I told both of them, too, about my sorrow over not finding any women here to befriend. Then, I got an email from another wonderful woman just checking in with me to see how I am doing. Several others have been sending invitations for me to join their network on a popular social network site (which, until today, I've been trying to avoid for fear of being literally sucked into my computer).

Are you catching a theme here? It took me all morning to realize what is happening. I've been so caught up in my own private little pity party to get that God is showing me how there are plenty of lifelong friends in my life already. They just don't happen to be in the same city anymore, and may not look exactly like the specific expectations I had for them. They are there, and all this technology exits to make them readily available to me, to support me and encourage me - and for me to be all of that to them.

Which brings me to my second profound realization of the day... If I'm feeling this lonely and all it takes is for someone else to pick up the phone, send a quick email, shoot a brief IM, smile and strike up a conversation, what is preventing me from being that person? What is keeping me from being the one to get outside my comfort zone and take a risk with another woman here in my city? Pride, fear, whatever it is... It is a strong pull, but I can't be the only one who feels alone in a city of hundreds of thousands (many of whom are new to this area, too, by looking at the demographics).

I need to digest and accept that this may not just fall into place, it may actually take me doing some work to get to the place I want to be. sigh I'm going to make a pledge to reach out to one other person today. It may make all the difference for them - I know it would (and has) to me. What if we all did that? What if you did?

Transformation

There has been alot of change at our home over the past month. Our neighbors are traveling much of this month, and I have wondered what they'll think when they return and see all the differences in our house! I even drove up to our home after a long day (granted my head was elsewhere) and thought for just a moment, as I turned into our driveway, "oops! I'm at the wrong house!" Seeing those decks off the back threw me off.

There are other things around our house, too, that are completely different than the way I've grown accustomed to over the past several years. I repainted the front door, from a deep purple (which I loved!), to a burnt reddish/orange color. I repainted the fireplace in our great room, from the same deep purple as the front door, to a neutral gray color (note this picture was taken mid-transformation!). I've taken down all our family pictures at the request of my realtor. All sorts of changes are happening to make our home less ours and look more like anyone could live here.

Something interesting is happening in me, emotionally, too. As I complete each of the things on my check off list, and take my signature off of our home, I'm noticing that I'm becoming less attached as well. The other day, I had a thought that stopped me in my tracks (figuratively, not literally!). What I thought was less important than what it made me realize. It occurred to me for the very first time that all of my emotional instability, while a normal part of the grieving process, was due largely to my grief over losing our house. I was shocked to know that that was what most of this was all about. I was unnaturally coveting our home - way more than I knew. After recovering from the embarrassment of that realization, I've also come to understand more about the meaning of what is happening in a way that has brought me incredible freedom and joy about the future.

This is a chance for me to change my ways - I've blogged about that before. This is also a chance for me to avoid setting myself up to repeat the same mistakes - to make it easier for myself to keep anything from coming between me and my Heavenly Father, who wants my undivided attention. He doesn't want to compete with a house, a job, a car, a hobby, a commitment, or anything else with which I might keep Him at arm's length. Even when I don't have a clue that I'm doing it - He does.

We'll still need to live in a house when we move, and there will be new commitments and things that will tie up our time, but the point for me is to remember. Remember the hole I dug myself into here. Remember the intensity and incredible elation of having Him present with me during the darkest moments. Remember to keep my eyes and heart focused on the things in life that really matter, and not on those things that just don't. Somehow I know that things will fall into place as long as I don't forget.

And so goes the ongoing transformation. Thanks for reading.

So much time, so little to do...

Most of you who know me and my current situation might be shocked and in awe over the title of this post. It doesn't exactly fit my character. I have seemingly ten thousand things to get done in the next 30 days. As I look at the title that I intentionally chose, I have to laugh at the opposite nature of my type-A personality self. Always going, doing, busy busy busy.

For example, this is a picture of my desk right now. Notice the three (count them!) computer monitors (granted, one is for work, but still!). Notice my breakfast dishes on my desk and the sticky notes and lists scattered around reminding me of what I need to get done (otherwise my brain would never remember!). I've got a land line and a cell phone in my office, which, by the way, also doubles as my bedroom.

My desk is a perfect reflection of my personality - always pushing the limits of what one person can realistically do and handle. This tendency of mine to volunteer while I'm working part time and mothering two young children and running a household keeps me hopping all the time. Because of the extremity of it, I have often considered that all of the change I'm facing currently, mostly things being wiped off my plate one by one, is an opportunity for me to reprioritize and feel less frazzled. If only it were so easy for me to simply sit with that.

One of my favorite verses, for as long as I can remember, is "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). I can't tell you why I'm so drawn to that scripture, except to say that God must have given me a love for it long ago as a foreshadowing of what He was going to teach me. It is something I dream about embracing, but my drive to do do do prevents me from truly understanding it the way I think He meant for me to. And (bear with my while I psychoanalyze myself here) I believe that my busyness is a way for me to keep everything and everyone at arm's length - as a measure of protection from disappointment or pain.

Last week, I learned that yet one more responsibility (one that I cherish) will be stripped from me when we move (see my post "It's All in Your Perspective"). After working through the sadness and anger of another loss (in a pile of so many lately!), I couldn't stop my mind from revving up and busily thinking about how I can fill that time with something else. I think it took about 72 hours for me to get back up and start doing again.

The thing is, how much am I really learning from all that I'm going through if I just return to my old way of doing things? How many times am I going to give lip service to the "rich lessons" that life is handing me in my trials, but secretly ignore them and move right back into my way of doing things? Why is it so hard for me to "be still"?

I am coming to understand that this is yet another symptom of my perceived need to be in control of everything (see "Control Freak"). I'll admit being in control is an illusion, but it's an awfully attractive lie, isn't it? I'm so intensely tempted by the facade of control. I suppose it is a step in the right direction for me to realize what I'm falling back into and take pause in that. The real test is, will I trust that all that I need will be provided by God and wait for His prompting for me to take action, or will I opt to, once again, take matters into my own hands? I hope for the former. Time will tell, and I hope you'll keep me accountable in this, too.

I'll leave you with these quotes I'm pondering:

"It is not enough to be busy. So are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?"

~Henry David Thoreau

"When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world we lose connection with one another and ourselves."

~ Jack Kornfield

"The really idle man gets nowhere. The perpetually busy man does not get much further."

~ Sir Heneage Ogilvie

Turning A Corner, part 2

Now that you have a little more context to the muck in which I'm currently swimming (see Turning A Corner, part 1), I want to share what has been brewing in me for a little while. It all came to a head yesterday, when I suddenly realized that I need to wake up and get up from the blows I've been dealt one by one. What a pity party I've been throwing! I didn't know it, because it's been a gradual process, but I've been checked out for some time. I thought I was doing better in my grief process (and I still do, for the most part), but I didn't see that instead of getting up and walking through this valley, I had simply sat up - only looking around, but not really going anywhere.

I had allowed the cumulative grief to pin me down, and I only realized it after having one of those "where did THAT come from?" moments recently - I had a very strong emotional reaction when I did not expect it. On the surface, I was doing just fine. It was what was underneath that I was ignoring. But, grief must be attended to.

I've opened my eyes and realized yesterday (well, I REALLY realized it) that I have gained some weight and completely let go of my previously healthy and very active lifestyle, rationalizing that I deserved to eat dessert whenever I wanted and another glass of wine wouldn't really be a big deal - after all, it's been a tough several months. My parenting has been a little more yelling, a little less rational. My marriage has been hit or miss, we have been caught up in the busyness that moving has created. Little by little, I was burying myself in a deep pit - like the frog in the pot of lukewarm water - never realizing eventually the water had come to a boil. (yes, I'm comparing myself to a frog...)

This time last year, I was training for my third triathlon and had already done one of three half marathons in 9 months). I was in the best shape of my adult life and feeling pretty optimistic in general. I was feeling like I was growing more in my faith than ever before in my life (at least that hasn't changed!), and we were finishing up a "Love and Logic" parenting class in an effort to be more intentional with our kids. Hopes were high for our new business, and we were just rolling along.

I have a choice. I can wallow in my self pity, allowing life to pass me by and let down the people who love me and depend on me. OR, I can take a step, then another, then another, until I'm walking and eventually running again. I know this isn't what I was created for. I know I have more purpose than that. I want to be running again - not just literally, but in the race of life. I want to run in such a way as to get the prize (1 Cor 9:24).

Last night, in my new found realization of where I have landed, I emailed my best running buddy and told her I need her motivation and help. She responded, as I knew she would, lovingly but firmly telling me I need to run 3 miles between now and Saturday, when we'll meet for a spinning class. I thank God for her friendship, and her willingness to push me. I'm thrilled to report that I did run 3.25 miles this morning, and I'm on the path I want to be on once again.

I know there will be bumps in the road. I know it won't be an easy journey. I guess I just need to get it all out and rally the accountability troops. I'm now accountable for what I've shared and what I do next. I'm hoping you'll join me in keeping me accountable!

Thanks, again, for reading. :) Here's to the future and to hope!