So much time, so little to do...

Most of you who know me and my current situation might be shocked and in awe over the title of this post. It doesn't exactly fit my character. I have seemingly ten thousand things to get done in the next 30 days. As I look at the title that I intentionally chose, I have to laugh at the opposite nature of my type-A personality self. Always going, doing, busy busy busy.

For example, this is a picture of my desk right now. Notice the three (count them!) computer monitors (granted, one is for work, but still!). Notice my breakfast dishes on my desk and the sticky notes and lists scattered around reminding me of what I need to get done (otherwise my brain would never remember!). I've got a land line and a cell phone in my office, which, by the way, also doubles as my bedroom.

My desk is a perfect reflection of my personality - always pushing the limits of what one person can realistically do and handle. This tendency of mine to volunteer while I'm working part time and mothering two young children and running a household keeps me hopping all the time. Because of the extremity of it, I have often considered that all of the change I'm facing currently, mostly things being wiped off my plate one by one, is an opportunity for me to reprioritize and feel less frazzled. If only it were so easy for me to simply sit with that.

One of my favorite verses, for as long as I can remember, is "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). I can't tell you why I'm so drawn to that scripture, except to say that God must have given me a love for it long ago as a foreshadowing of what He was going to teach me. It is something I dream about embracing, but my drive to do do do prevents me from truly understanding it the way I think He meant for me to. And (bear with my while I psychoanalyze myself here) I believe that my busyness is a way for me to keep everything and everyone at arm's length - as a measure of protection from disappointment or pain.

Last week, I learned that yet one more responsibility (one that I cherish) will be stripped from me when we move (see my post "It's All in Your Perspective"). After working through the sadness and anger of another loss (in a pile of so many lately!), I couldn't stop my mind from revving up and busily thinking about how I can fill that time with something else. I think it took about 72 hours for me to get back up and start doing again.

The thing is, how much am I really learning from all that I'm going through if I just return to my old way of doing things? How many times am I going to give lip service to the "rich lessons" that life is handing me in my trials, but secretly ignore them and move right back into my way of doing things? Why is it so hard for me to "be still"?

I am coming to understand that this is yet another symptom of my perceived need to be in control of everything (see "Control Freak"). I'll admit being in control is an illusion, but it's an awfully attractive lie, isn't it? I'm so intensely tempted by the facade of control. I suppose it is a step in the right direction for me to realize what I'm falling back into and take pause in that. The real test is, will I trust that all that I need will be provided by God and wait for His prompting for me to take action, or will I opt to, once again, take matters into my own hands? I hope for the former. Time will tell, and I hope you'll keep me accountable in this, too.

I'll leave you with these quotes I'm pondering:

"It is not enough to be busy. So are the ants. The question is: What are we busy about?"

~Henry David Thoreau

"When we get too caught up in the busyness of the world we lose connection with one another and ourselves."

~ Jack Kornfield

"The really idle man gets nowhere. The perpetually busy man does not get much further."

~ Sir Heneage Ogilvie