Time flies, and some other revelations

Wow - has it really been nearly two months since I last bothered to post on this blog?!?  Why, yes it has...

Someone recently asked me if I'll ever post again and it occurred to me that it's easier to stay quiet when you lose your voice for a time.  Breaking my silence of the past couple of months is hard - kinda like finding lost momentum.  But, because at least one person misses my writing, and yet another major life transition is just around the corner (after all, that is why I'm blogging in the first place!), here goes.

I suppose I should begin by catching you up to speed with the unpredictable and downright zany cluster of events that I call my life.  Along with the hustle and bustle normally accompanying the "holiday season", my family and I have had some added stressors requiring considerable processing (spoken like a true counselor - my professors would be so proud).  The processing has essentially taken over for me, hence my lack of writing (I'm pretty sure that isn't how this is supposed to work...).

Now that I feel like I have a better handle on what is going on, I can find the courage to share with you.  (Are you on the edge of your seat, yet?!?)

It seems that our time in the desert is quickly coming to an end and we will be moving to another state, another climate, and another home in June.  There.  I said it.

'What?', you say, 'another move?  Didn't you JUST move??'  Why, yes, we did.  2 moves in exactly 2 years is a lot to wrap my head around, yet that is exactly what we're being led to do.

My hubby's job is transferring him to, of all places, South Dakota.  So, in a few short months, we'll be packing up (again) and saying goodbye to the warm desert and moving to the frontier of the Black Hills.  (Is my lack of enthusiasm and otherwise poor attitude about this new adventure showing?!?  I'm working on this, for the record.) 

To say that I'm not thrilled about this new locale is quite possibly the understatement of the year.  I'm just getting my groove here in the desert - meeting great people and developing strong friendships, soaking in the weather here (I'm so totally a warm weather girl), and reveling in the shopping and amenities that come from city life... and now God has chosen to move me to a small (itsy, bitsy, teeny, tiny) town, with no Starbucks or Target stores, and where snow happens.  A lot.  (I don't even kinda like snow.)  We'll be the new kids in town (again) with no connection.  Starting over (again).  Is it just me, or are you sensing a pattern here??

And while I'm tempted (a lot) to wallow in self pity, I'm also determined to not lose sight of the fact that there must be some good reason for all of this. 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' (Jer 29:11)  These words are as true today as they were two years ago when loss after loss after loss were being hurled in our direction at a breakneck pace.  And they will be true when things finally settle down and we can see some glimpse of His good plan.

There is great wisdom in the counsel I've recently sought that reassures me that God is doing a great work, even though it is hard for us to see just how it will all come together in the temporal.

Do you ever think, like I'm beginning to think, that He allows intense difficulty in our lives to wear us down to the point that we are forced to take a good, hard, long look at the things we're doing (or not doing) and know, beyond any doubt that we have to change?  Because we then know that there is no more justification or excuses or getting by with the status quo.  No - He has called us to something greater.  And He's patient, which means if we don't get it this time around, He'll give us another shot... 

Sometimes I just wish I could be like Jane Doe - simply flying under the radar and getting on with my life and hopes and dreams - the way I would have scripted things.  Living where I want to live, spending my days doing the work I want to do.  But, I'm keenly aware in the face of just about all that I'd planned being diverted and morphed into something unrecognizable and most definitely NOT what I would have chosen, that He knows better.

Just some things I'm pondering.  Please pray that I get it this time.  I'm ready to really get this now.

This just about says it all...

I just created this collage of My FB status for the entire year of 2010 (ok, well, not the ENTIRE year - just a selection of status updates are shown).  Since FB status updates and blogging are so similar (but how obnoxious would it be if I posted one liners all the time on my blog?!?), I thought this might be fun to share here, too.  (HINT: if you click on the collage, it will open a larger image so you can actually read it without a magnifying glass)

I'm just thrilled that more of what I said over the past year on FB is positive than negative...  :)

Footprints in the sand

I'm gonna tell you a story... Don't worry - it's brief.

When I was in junior high (according to my kids, AGES ago), I took classes to learn to speak Spanish. (Oh, how I wish I had paid more attention and continued to take those classes when I was in high school and college because knowing Spanish would be oh, so helpful to me today.) But, I digress.

Anyway, I remember an assignment in my Spanish class (or maybe it was a public speaking assignment, I don't really remember) in which I had to recite a poem. In Spanish.

So, of course, I was drawn to the poem, _Footprints_.  In case you don't know this poem, here it is - in English.

Footprints

One night I had a dream--

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life, there was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.

This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you would walk with me all the way,

but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints.

"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most, you should leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering.

"When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

~Mary Stevenson

You might imagine the dedication and perseverance it took for me to learn this long poem in Spanish and memorize it so I could recite it in front of judges.  I can almost still say it today (well, not quite).  I do vividly remember, though, the days and days and days of practicing I did.

I could have chosen a much shorter poem, but even at the age of 14, I was drawn to this one.  This poem that speaks of faith and hope and perseverance in times of trial.  This poem that makes clear the importance of relationship between God and us, and how He is there, even when we don't feel Him.

So, in honor of this poem and its importance to me, I've changed up the look of my blog.  In the background, you'll see the dry, parched sand of the desert, and a single set of footprints.  Today, even though I do not feel Him, I'm reminded that He carries me.  And His arms are big enough for you, too.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Like Dori in _Finding Nemo_ I've recently found myself chanting, "just keep swimming" over and over and over and over...

It seems I've gone and done it again. I'm overwhelmed. My simple life of boredom and loneliness has morphed (at my own doing) into a chaotic and BUSY craziness. I don't know how it happened! (but, then, I really do)

I'm hopelessly Type A. I'm happiest doing and committing and otherwise occupying my time and energy to the point of exhaustion. I thought I had learned this lesson, when just over a year ago, I was stripped of all of my commitments and obligations in Colorado and whisked away to the solitude of the desert.

I spent, oh, about 30 seconds licking my wounds and realizing this was God's way of getting my attention and focusing it on Him. I figured out for that brief moment in time how important it is for me to be still. Then, I got moving (naturally)!

Why, oh why do I do this? Why is it so incredibly tempting for me to fill all of my time (and then some) with stuff? Don't get me wrong - ALL of my stuff is important stuff - there is nothing that I've picked up in the last 18 months that isn't valuable. It's just that, as I sit among the ruins that have become my days, where I am finding organization and efficiency completely elusive, that I realize that I'm going to have to put something down. The problem is, what?!?

I ran across a prayer list that I wrote 18 months ago - things I wanted to be sure to pray about regularly as we were undergoing a major life transition. Some of them, happily, have long since been answered. Some, not so much, but hope endures.

One, in particular, stood out for me today. Back then, I wanted to be sure to pray that I would not pick up anything that wasn't part of God's plan for my life. I wanted to have the lessons that were hard earned just a few weeks prior to leave an indelible impression on my memory - so much so that it would change my daily life.

How quickly we return to old ways. Like a familiar old t shirt, we are drawn to old habits and long to wrap ourselves up in them so we can be comfortable.

I wonder, though, what is it going to take to get my attention this time? Instead of finding out, I'd much rather admit my weakness now and choose for myself what it is that I'll put down.

What to choose? Guess I should get back to what I know is true and be still for a moment... Anyone else have as much trouble with that as I do?

Being still and other random thoughts...

We went to the new version of "Tha karate kid" yesterday. While it wasn't as good as the original with Ralph Machio, I did think Jaden Smith's performance was remarkable, and the story still stirs me.

I had an 'aha' moment when the sage teacher is explaining to his pupil the secret of the cobra charmer they'd seen. He said it was "being still". Then, the student asks, "so she controlled the snake by doing nothing?"  The wise response was,"doing nothing and being still are two very different things."

So true, Jackie Chan, so true.

While pondering that, I had the opportunity this morning to go to Bikram Yoga (90 minutes of intense yoga in a room heated to 105 degrees). Yoga is largely about focusing on your breath, and while your body is facing stress from every front, you are challenged to quiet your mind. Something that doesn't come easy for me.

Another repeating theme.

It was a good reminder, and I'm grateful for it. I'm going to make an effort to quiet my mind this week (which is SO not doing nothing).

And, did I mention that the online authorities say my 90 minutes of suffering at the yoga studio burned a whopping 941 calories?!? This may need to return to my regular fitness routine - so far today, I've eaten -243 calories!!

Reflections on an upcoming Mother's Day

It's been a tough week.  I've been in single parent mode for 9 days (but who's counting?!?), and I am so tired and grumpy and focused on the relief that will come when my better half finally comes walking through the door this evening to save me from total and complete responsibility.

Just now, I was browsing some of my frequent online stops (as I'm gearing up to do some actual work).   On one of those sites, I just read an interesting quote.  "What you focus on grows"

Can you say conviction?

As I was pondering that little gem, and how I'm obviously focusing on stuff that I most definitely DO NOT want to grow, I happened upon another link to a website created and maintained by a mother who lost her 3 1/2 year old son last month to Leukemia.  She was talking about how she's dreading this Mother's Day because she is a mother but is without her son, which is what prompted me to see what she was talking about by visiting her site.

Wow, is all I can say.  I read just a tiny bit of her telling the story of her son's memorial service and watched the pictures of him and their family scroll across the screen in slideshow after slideshow, and tears streamed down my face as I thought about the pain and torment she must be enduring in these weeks following such a tragic loss.  Then, her son's face was replaced by my daughters' faces in my mind's eye and I was immediately caught up with the "what if that were my child" thoughts, and the emotion of that opened the floodgates.  And I haven't had to walk her road.

Instead, I have two healthy, strong, beautiful, vibrant little girls who've been entrusted to me for a short time.  And, I've spent way too much time focused on how hard it is to parent them, how much I sacrifice to be a mother (financially, emotionally, relationally), and all the work I do every day to simply keep our household running with two kids going in two different directions all the time.

What you focus on grows.

For far too long, I've been very focused on myself, my needs, my pain and struggles.  And I've struggled with why I cannot seem to escape the pit of anger and frustration that I inevitably fall into when I'm not diligent about staying out of it.  Why does it have to be so much work to simply focus on the moment, build relationship, and be happy?  Because what you focus on grows, and I'm focused on negativity, not what I want to grow.

So, I'm making a public announcement that this Mother's Day (and for the days to follow), I'm going to make a concerted effort to remember that what I focus on grows.  I'm going to focus on:

• the laughter of two girls who so enjoy one another's company (most of the time)
• the bright twinkle in my oldests' big brown eyes when I play with her
• the still babyish "accent" that my youngest has when she talks with such big words and ideas
• the joy that both girls express when I sit down to read them a bedtime story
• that infectious smile my youngest displays regularly
• both girls' angelic voices as they call me "mama"
• all the gifts of motherhood and how they far outweigh any sacrifices
• how I'm so abundantly blessed

What are you focused on? What do you want to grow in your life?

Happy Mother's Day!

Change and Roots

I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole season changing thing - which many people are, the winter has given way to spring (in most parts of the country, at least!) and summer break for my girls is a miniscule 5 weeks away (seriously?!?).  Gulp.

But, I digress.

One year ago, a season was most definitely coming to an end for us as our time in Colorado was being abruptly ended and our lives were taking a serious turn.  I remember blogging back then about the promise of new life as I gazed out my tree house window from my office to the aspen trees that were sprouting bright green life from beneath the layer of snow they were bearing.  Spring was showing itself amongst the familiar sites of the past several months of winter.  And we were planning our departure from the mountain tops (where we wanted to be) to the desert valley (where we most definitely did not).

I've written about it before (I hope not ad nauseam) - we were having to put down our dreams, say goodbye to some dear, lifelong friends, lay down our professional and volunteer responsibilities, clear out our closets (and drawers, and garage, and on and on), build a dream deck for someone else to enjoy, and otherwise hang up our life as we knew it.  It was hard and it was sometimes wrought with unbearable pain.

And I think about that season and I'm sick to my stomach and tearful all over again.  The desperation to deny what we knew was coming, the anger, the sorrow, the full-on pain of it.  But, somehow, we got through that really tough time - just putting one foot in front of the other.  Step by step by step.  (with many incidents of falling down and running backward, only to realize that it is in the forward moving that healing is ushered in)

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind for me.  I have, over the past several months, been feeling a call to do more, give more, somehow be more than what I have been since we've made our home in the desert (which is turning out to be a pretty decent place, after all).  Up until now, what that is has alluded me, and I've felt compelled to be still and wait.  I think it now has a name, and I'm accepting this challenge and opportunity with open arms - I'm ready to begin growing again.  The season for simply surviving seems to be passing.

But, it is all around us.  This week was one of loss for two friends - both had a parent pass away - both from chronic disease.  They are now plunged into a season of grief and pain as they try to adjust to a new normal.  Another friend had a big dream die, and she's disappointed and sad and angry because she doesn't understand why.  Another is struggling with moving her family in a few short weeks overseas for a bigger mission, and she talks about how hard it is to pull up roots.  Another just did that very thing and writes about how difficult it is to be away from everything she's ever known.  And sometimes the weight of it all seems like it will crush us.

Then, I remember what I learned in my latest season of trial.  The healing is in the journey and the journey is a process - one foot in front of the other, step by step by step.  Breaking big things off into littler, more manageable pieces seems to make it all that easier to bear - even the heaviest of loads.

And, although it seems so much easier to place our roots in shallow, clear water that will simply allow survival (and make future uprooting painless), it's not until those same roots make contact with the dirty soil - rocks, worms and all - that growth and balance and true nourishment occurs. 

Tonight I heard a familiar verse that had particular meaning for me as I contemplate past trials and upcoming challenges - Isaiah 55:8-9:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
       neither are your ways my ways,"
       declares the LORD.

  "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
       so are my ways higher than your ways
       and my thoughts than your thoughts. 

I hope that speaks to you, whatever storm you are in, just coming out of, or just about to enter into.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, step by step by step.  One day, you'll look up and realize just how far you've come and maybe even see where you're going.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

Lone Nut or Fearless Leader? You Decide.

A blog post was forwarded to me today and it gave me pause to think.  I get the concept and I'm intrigued by it... 

The jury's still out if I agree with the conclusion the original blogger came to about what makes a true leader (and who that is), and I'd love to hear your thoughts (feel free to leave them below!!). 

(Taken from http://sivers.org/ff:)

Decisions, Decisions

Sometimes it's a good thing to have options.  And we are faced with so many decisions all day long.  Some are much bigger than others.

The past week I've been facing what I consider to be a major decision in my life that has potential to change the course of my life, at least in the professional realm. 

While I think I know exactly what I want to decide to do, any decision comes with risks along with the benefits.  In particular, one of the risks for me in this decision is that I would be heading in a direction that will essentially be me picking up something new. 

Now, I love change (really, I do!) - it keeps things challenging and interesting.  But one of my lessons learned in the last season of change was to be content with my existing responsibilities and not overload myself by picking up things (volunteer commitments, business ownership, too much work, etc. etc) that I do not need in order to purely follow God's plan for my life.  So, that's the rub.  My prayer in our move when everything I had chosen was stripped away from me, was that I did not pick up anything that was not in God's plan.  I'm notorious for charting a path of my own, starting out on it, then halfway through finally taking a look back to ask God which way I should go.  I want it to be the other way around - that I ask Him first, then start out on a path with assurance that it is the right way.

I've decided with this decision to "marinate" (as a good friend says) in this for a bit before making a big move.  I'm hoping that my path will become illuminated and my way cleared as a "go-ahead" from God.  In the meantime, I'm going to (try to) be still and wait. 

Just thought I'd post about this so you know why I've been so quiet.  My mind is full of possibilities and endless chatter that I'm trying to quiet so I can listen.  More details to come...

A Time For Everything

I'm pondering this week some big questions (once again!), asking why, and wondering where things are headed.  I once heard a wise man say that, in life, we are either in a storm, headed into a storm, or coming out of a storm. 

My mind has often gone back to that concept over the past several weeks, as it seems something has shifted for me - I feel like I was finally out of the storm - the sun was starting to shine again.  And, how sweet was the kiss of warmth on my face that I have missed all this time.

But, like everything in this world, nothing lasts forever.  Call it a sixth sense, or intuition, or whatever you like, but I can sense something stormy headed our way.  Like a hiker on a Colorado mountaintop, when their hair suddenly and strangely stands on end just before a lightning strike, I can feel something... different - I just don't know what.  Yet.

And so, in this time of feeling just a bit helpless and vulnerable, I turn to the one source of strength and consistency that I know.  And I'm reminded that it is in the storms of life that true character is built.  It is in the storms of life that we are refined and strengthened to weather the next storm (and there will be plenty).  The last storm sapped my energy during that season, but I have emerged feeling stronger and less fearful - after all, if I can survive that...

So, I'm leaving you with a portion of the third chapter of Ecclesiastes.  For everything there is a time, and for everything there is a purpose.  Our task is to stick with it, weather the storm, cling to our Rock, and help each other the best we can.

There is a time for everything,
       and a season for every activity under heaven:

 a time to be born and a time to die,
       a time to plant and a time to uproot,

 a time to kill and a time to heal,
       a time to tear down and a time to build,

 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
       a time to mourn and a time to dance,

 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
       a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

 a time to search and a time to give up,
       a time to keep and a time to throw away,

 a time to tear and a time to mend,
       a time to be silent and a time to speak,

 a time to love and a time to hate,
       a time for war and a time for peace.

 What does the worker gain from his toil?  I have seen the burden God has laid on men.  He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.  That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God.

To Busy To Fill the Gas Tank

Have you ever had so much on your plate that you had a hard time prioritizing and instead decided to mindlessly surf the internet (or post on Facebook, or watch a movie, or...) and get NOTHING done you needed to??

I have all kinds of hopes for these extra 2.5 hours I've gained every day sans children.  The first week went pretty well, I was able to prioritize all my daily tasks and stuff many of them into that itty bitty tiny eensy little window that preschool has afforded me five days a week.  (Did I mention that timeframe is ridiculously small?!?)

This week, it's Monday, and time management = not so much.  I considered going to spin class, but chose to stay home to get some work done (cue the guilt).  Now I'm posting on my blog and researching random things I really don't need to be wasting time on at the moment.  All the while, the clock is ticking, ticking, ticking...

sigh

All of it reminds me of one of Stephen Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" (one of which I'm obviously not right now) - Sharpen the saw.

In his book, he gives this example of the person who is so busy driving that they don't take time to fill the gas tank.  I feel like that person right now.

Now, where is the nearest gas station??  Or maybe I'll just drive a little while longer.

The Christmas "Season"

Christmas stresses me out.

I know I'm not the only one, and, honestly, I know that right now, from where I sit, things are pretty darn good and that isn't the case for everyone.  Too, I know all the reasons why this "season" causes me to focus so much on things instead of the real reason, the birth of Christ.

The problem is, knowing all of this doesn't keep me from falling into the stress trap this time of year.  There are a ton of things to get done.  Presents to buy, trees to decorate, lights to hang, cookies to bake, cards to address, carols to sing, etc, etc.


Don't get me wrong, I love our family traditions - that is why we continue them.  I'm an absolute fan of this Christian holiday during which we, as believers, publicly pronounce our faith (even though many work to mold it into a commercialized mess) and are tangibly reminded of the fact that our God came to earth to teach us, and serve us, and sacrifice all for us.  I just wish my personal experience of this "season" wasn't so busy that I often miss the most important parts.


I was listening to the radio today in the car, and _The Little Drummer Boy_ came on.  Shortly before that, a song by Amy Grant titled _Silent Night_ (not the one you're thinking of) was played, and the lyrics spoke of the busyness of the Christmas "season," and the singer's pleas for a truly silent night amidst the craziness of shopping for gifts and holiday parties.  Later, the disc jockey came on and invited the listeners to tell their friends about that radio station and how it played Christmas songs with "real meaning."

That got me thinking.  I thought about how wonderful it would be (and stress relieving) to not feel so obligated this time of year to buy and do.  How, that night, when our King was born, a little boy's gift of music was appropriate, and even valued.  How we create such a burden on our time and financial resources this time of year to show appreciation for those in our lives within a small window of time.

What would it be like if we all took time to truly appreciate those around us all year long and didn't need to do so just in this "season?"  What if we showed our appreciation in the currency of our choice - one that we could, beyond any doubt, afford?  Would we then be freed up to be still in the moment, reflecting upon the meaning of a God child and how that would forever change our world?

I don't know.  I'm very aware of just how much I, in my humanness and uncanny ability to get distracted by the tiniest of things, need an annual reminder of Christ's birth and all the relationships in my life that I appreciate.  Otherwise, I suspect that due to sheer distraction, years might go by before I would find myself reflecting upon all things Christmas that matter.

I suppose the trick, for me, is to avoid the common pitfalls that come with what is a worldly, highly commercialized and often exploited holiday, and express my faith and the overflowing love that it produces to those around me in a way that is uniquely mine.

I suppose that is really the challenge to all of us.

Just some thoughts I'm pondering this month.

Be Still

I've been noticing lately an increasing stirring in me that is becoming more and more difficult to ignore.  This stirring is my need to do, to be more, to strive for something higher. 

This innate desire of mine that I've seen throughout my life is not necessarily a bad quality - it has caused me to push myself further than I thought I could go (as an athlete, as a mother, as a human being).  The problem with it is tricky, though. 

It often begs me to compare myself to others, which inevitably leads to my feeling inadequate - unfocused.  It's a distraction, and not always a good thing.

I write all this because in this moment, I've noticed a longing for something...  I don't know what.  Just something else.  A new job...no job... another baby... a vacation... rearranged furniture... fill in the blank.  I'm all over the place and I seem to have lost focus.  Now the big move is complete, and there is no big project for me to spend my energy on.  I find simply being and savoring the moment unnaturally uncomfortable.  What is that?

"Be still and know that I am God" (psalm 46:10)  has always been a verse I've been drawn to.  I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe it is because being still doesn't speak to my gifts.  But, I've always wished for the ability to simply hand all my worries and cares over to my God, and let Him be in charge.  Since He is anyway.

So, as painful as it is, I'm going to force myself to take no action.  I'm going to resist the unbearable temptation to find a volunteer  position or a paid position or some other distracting position to swallow up all my time.  I'm going to just be still and wait for inspiration. 



In the meantime, I love this song and am amazed as I ponder all of God's creation pictured in this video.  I hope it inspires you, too, and helps you to be still, if, like me, that is what you need.

Rocking the Boat

Have you ever noticed that when one member of a group, whatever the group might be, is off balance, the whole group loses balance? In this case, the group I'm referring to is our family, but I think this principle applies to all groups where people interact with and depend upon one another - including friends, clubs, churches, schools, governments, charitable organizations and for profit businesses.

(Now, many of you may find yourselves thinking about members of your own family that are off balance, but try to stay with me here - this is an easy way to get distracted, and I've already written about how I'm losing that battle lately...)

Anyway, this week was a week of change and family-member-off-balanceness (is that a word?). It wasn't any one member who was off balance at any given time, and, at least this week, it wasn't always me.

One person in our family this week got sick (again), another had some difficult challenges personally that caused an emotional setback. The rest of the family members, who weren't the boat rockers at that given moment (believe me, we all take turns!), just tried to hold on and keep things moving in the right direction. But being unaffected was not an option, even though some of us might have wanted it that way.

The details are less important than the big picture. What is important to take away from this week, for me, is that one member of the family who is experiencing drama of any kind can easily rock the family boat. Whether or not one person realizes it, their drama impacts the other people in their group - sometimes in minor ways, sometimes in not-so-minor ways, but there is always an impact. But, there's also always an opportunity to come together as a group and overcome one person's struggle together.

Then, I got to thinking about my own drama (yes, occasionally, I experience a tiny bit). My thoughts turn to something I heard years ago about how the wife/mother of a family is often (or always) in a position to set the tone for the entire family. The phrasing was more eloquent than, "if momma ain't happy, then no one's happy," but it had the same sentiment. It's a big responsibility, and one that I don't always successfully engage in, but so true in my experience. When I start focusing on my family, and less on my own "stuff," the whole group is better for it. And, when I have some type of personal struggle (because we all do) and it's my turn to rock the boat, I can always rely on my family to rally around me, because I'm not in this alone.

It's not really rocket science, it's just interesting to me at the moment that we're so interconnected. In a world where many of us sometimes feel all alone (myself included), when you really think about it, even the littlest ripple in one person's life can make an impact on so many others.

Just a few things I'm pondering today...

A close call

Apparently, I've been... what's the word, oh yeah - distracted lately.

Before yesterday, it had been over a month since I last mowed the lawn (good thing we're in the slow growing season, and it's not abundantly obvious to everyone who drives by our house!).

I don't know the last time I gave our house a good cleaning - the kind where all surfaces get cleaned, floors are vacuumed and mopped, furniture is dusted. I'm talking more than just spot cleaning here and there. It's been awhile.

This blog has been neglected, and posts are few and far between.

And, on Saturday, a very real example of my state of distraction got my attention in the form of a minor traffic violation. Luckily, no one was hurt, but, honestly, that is by the sheer grace of God.
I was driving to the store, and we stopped at a red light. I was thinking about where we were going, the shopping I needed to get done, the woman in the car next to me who was shielding her face from the glaring sunshine, etc. etc. The traffic light changed, and I started driving through the intersection. The next thing I realize is there are cars honking and I'm not sure why. Then, I realize they're honking at me. I had run through the red light, apparently thinking the green left turn arrow was a green light, when it wasn't. I was already three quarters through the intersection, stopping both oncoming turn lanes because I wasn't paying attention. I saw no other choice but to just keep driving.

I quickly scanned my rear view mirror and the surrounding area for a police car, and was relieved to see that there was none. From the back seat, Bri asked why the cars were honking and I had to admit to her that I just ran a light because I was distracted. She asked me if I was going to jail, and I told her that I thought I was safe from that particular penalty, although, if a police car pulled me over, I would certainly get a ticket, and I deserved one.

Then, I got to thinking how frustrated all those people must have been with me. God only knows what they were all thinking or saying about me, and I was defenseless. I was guilty, and there was no excuse. My first instinct was to think about how I would defend myself - I've got a lot on my mind, it'd been a long day, I was tired... Then, it hit me.

What I needed was not a great defense for my behavior or to deflect my bad judgement by pointing out how my offense was small, comparatively speaking. No, what I needed was grace.

I was guilty, I made a poor decision, and I could have seriously hurt someone (including the two precious children in my back seat). And, truth be told, there have been so many other times that I've been guilty with no defense, but walked away without having to pay (sometimes traffic related, lots of times not).

So, I'm just so thankful today for grace. And for other drivers in my neighborhood who were not distracted on Saturday. If you were one of them, please accept my apologies.

Either way, I hope you are able to extend grace to someone in your life today - what a gift it is to receive.

Wisdom from a fellow blogger and friend

So, I've been remiss lately and not too attentive to this blog. I've tried to come up with the time and energy and creativity it takes to write the "perfect blog post," but keep coming up short and finding other things that demand my immediate attention. It has become easier to rationalize that I'll get to it soon/later, and things will certainly slow down soon so I can refocus my efforts.

I have little doubt that this drought of creative writing and reflection will give way to new posts that will reflect the daily ins and outs of life in the desert. But, for the time being, I'm simply surviving - some days are infinitely better than others, and life goes on.

While I wait on inspiration for the next words I will share with you and record for myself, I read a post from a fellow blogger and friend, who said both what I needed to hear and what I need to say. Since she wrote so eloquently and captured just the season I find myself in at this very moment, I am simply going to direct you to her post, rather than rewrite what she already did so beautifully and truthfully.

I hope this gives you a glimpse into what I, too, am currently going through as I struggle to find balance and not let a good thing become a bad one.

Still pondering... Keep checking back - I'll find my muse and my balance soon. Thanks for reading.

Celebrating 8 Years with Aubrielle!

Here are some highlights from last weekend's celebration of Aubrielle's Birthday. Enjoy!

And, please excuse the off key singing!

Top 10 Things I'm Thankful For Today

An attitude of gratitude is an important one to have, and in an effort to hone mine, here are my top 10 things I'm thankful for today:

10) Another sunny, hot day in the desert where I can admire palm trees and beautiful rock formations not too far from our home.

9) A fixed bike trailer so that I can take the kids to school on my bike with Denali in tow and Aubrielle on her bike. (Thanks, to my wonderful hubby!)

8) A beautiful (and somewhat shady) greenbelt path to ride traffic free all the way to school

7) Sleeping through the night last night with no headache to wake me up

6) Knowing that I have lifelong, deep friendships - even if those friends don't live where I do

5) Plans for the weekend to celebrate Aubrielle's 8th birthday - and all the years we've had with her as part of our family.

4) New workout shorts and shirts that I found at Target yesterday on clearance - so cheap AND cute!

3) Being reminded yesterday that I am not walking in the sand of the desert all by myself.

2) Finishing all of my blog writing (for work) before 8 am this morning! My weekend has already begun.

1) A sense of peace that all will eventually work out the way it needs to, and there are good things still to come.

Persist

So, after what has been a VERY trying last several weeks, I have found myself (once again!) stuck. Stuck pitying myself and my situation, stuck wishing for something that I cannot have, stuck asking God "why me?" at every turn.

I got a phone call from a dear friend this morning because she sensed that I needed to talk. She called me despite being in a very trying situation herself, but she wasn't focused on herself. She was focused on me and how I was doing, and I was touched and humbled. We spent some time talking about our circumstances, how they are the same, yet different. She told me about how God has made Himself very real to her in her own struggles lately and how He appears on the faces of people in her life. Now she is actively looking for Him in faces all around her, and she's finding Him.

If I pay attention, I can see Him, too. I saw Him last night in my 8 year old, who, for no apparent reason, suddenly came over to me and gave me a big hug. I saw Him in my friend who called today out of the blue. I saw Him in the very kind girl behind the counter at Fuddrucker's (where Denali and I had lunch) when she offered me Denali's lunch for free because of some promotion they are starting this evening (well after lunch is over). And, when I was driving around this afternoon, running some errands, I saw Him in a license plate. I quickly snapped a picture of it when we were stopped at a light.

I'm going to persist. I have it on very good authority that it will all be worth it someday.

Celebrating Today!

Today my baby girl turns 4! I cannot believe just how fast this time has gone. Denali has brought so much laughter and joy into our house, and we are so blessed to have her in our family. Enjoy these great photos from these last four years with Denali!