Turning A Corner, part 2

Now that you have a little more context to the muck in which I'm currently swimming (see Turning A Corner, part 1), I want to share what has been brewing in me for a little while. It all came to a head yesterday, when I suddenly realized that I need to wake up and get up from the blows I've been dealt one by one. What a pity party I've been throwing! I didn't know it, because it's been a gradual process, but I've been checked out for some time. I thought I was doing better in my grief process (and I still do, for the most part), but I didn't see that instead of getting up and walking through this valley, I had simply sat up - only looking around, but not really going anywhere.

I had allowed the cumulative grief to pin me down, and I only realized it after having one of those "where did THAT come from?" moments recently - I had a very strong emotional reaction when I did not expect it. On the surface, I was doing just fine. It was what was underneath that I was ignoring. But, grief must be attended to.

I've opened my eyes and realized yesterday (well, I REALLY realized it) that I have gained some weight and completely let go of my previously healthy and very active lifestyle, rationalizing that I deserved to eat dessert whenever I wanted and another glass of wine wouldn't really be a big deal - after all, it's been a tough several months. My parenting has been a little more yelling, a little less rational. My marriage has been hit or miss, we have been caught up in the busyness that moving has created. Little by little, I was burying myself in a deep pit - like the frog in the pot of lukewarm water - never realizing eventually the water had come to a boil. (yes, I'm comparing myself to a frog...)

This time last year, I was training for my third triathlon and had already done one of three half marathons in 9 months). I was in the best shape of my adult life and feeling pretty optimistic in general. I was feeling like I was growing more in my faith than ever before in my life (at least that hasn't changed!), and we were finishing up a "Love and Logic" parenting class in an effort to be more intentional with our kids. Hopes were high for our new business, and we were just rolling along.

I have a choice. I can wallow in my self pity, allowing life to pass me by and let down the people who love me and depend on me. OR, I can take a step, then another, then another, until I'm walking and eventually running again. I know this isn't what I was created for. I know I have more purpose than that. I want to be running again - not just literally, but in the race of life. I want to run in such a way as to get the prize (1 Cor 9:24).

Last night, in my new found realization of where I have landed, I emailed my best running buddy and told her I need her motivation and help. She responded, as I knew she would, lovingly but firmly telling me I need to run 3 miles between now and Saturday, when we'll meet for a spinning class. I thank God for her friendship, and her willingness to push me. I'm thrilled to report that I did run 3.25 miles this morning, and I'm on the path I want to be on once again.

I know there will be bumps in the road. I know it won't be an easy journey. I guess I just need to get it all out and rally the accountability troops. I'm now accountable for what I've shared and what I do next. I'm hoping you'll join me in keeping me accountable!

Thanks, again, for reading. :) Here's to the future and to hope!