Some Lessons Of Pain

The uncanny thing about pain is that is has an unmatched ability to make a person feel alone - really alone.  I mean, someone can have compassion for another person if they've experienced something similar, like a broken bone, or a muscle injury, or a severe burn - but, ultimately, each of us must walk through the pain all by ourselves.  No matter how much a friend tries to come along side another who's in pain (either physical or emotional), and may very well know what their own experience was with the exact same affliction, pain is solitary.  (The friend coming along side thing helps, tremendously, though - don't get me wrong.) 

It's just that over the past few months I've been dealing with a debilitating and very painful joint and muscle condition (as of yet, still undiagnosed) and I've increasingly felt alone in it.  The other day, I heard the song _Lean On Me_ on the radio, and (as it has been known to do in the past) it reduced me to tears.  Music has always been particularly powerful for me, and this song has long summed up a lot of my own perspective on life and what we're doing here.

When you really think about it, all we really want in this world is to be completely understood and to not have to be alone (or maybe that is all I really want in this world).  And, when we're able, we want to be there for others in the same ways they are there for us - because we know how great it is to help and be helped in times of need.

While pain can certainly make anyone feel alone, you really never are if you reach out to others - and if they take initiative to reach out to you (a lesson I'm still trying to learn).  In the lyrics of Bill Wither's classic song, "Lean on me, when you're not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on.  For, it won't be long till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on."  

I have no problem with being the one who others lean on - I really do love to help others out.  But when it comes to doing the leaning, I often allow my pride to win - never revealing my need, much less asking for help with it.  In that way, I've definitely increased my solitude and sorrow - creating a life out of balance.

Just some thoughts I'm pondering on a day when I'm finally pain free (because of a trial medication regime).  And I'm struck by the importance (once again) of seizing the day - because I don't know if the pain will return tomorrow, or if it's going to be gone for good - I need to savor each moment without it.

What about you?  Is there anyone you can lean on today - or do you find yourself in a place of strength with something to offer to a friend in need?

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25: 35-40

I wanna diet my hair

So, just now, this was the conversation had with the four (going on 21 year old):

"Mom, when I get older I want you to diet my hair"

me: "why?"

"because"

me: "what color would I dye your hair?"

"you know that girl at the concert with the pink hair with a little bit of brown?"

me (searching my memory that doesn't always work as fast as it used to - then stopping at a mental image of a woman we saw with a shockingly deep shade of fuchsia hair): "why do you want your hair pink and brown?"

"oh, because it made her hair look good and I want mine to look good too when you diet it."

Does it ever amaze you that what they say is so many years beyond the language they have to express themselves?  I'm trying not to be too concerned for the teenage years just yet...

What You Focus On Grows

My friend, Laura, posted this quote on her blog recently:

“A person will worship something, have no doubt about that.  

We may think tribute is paid in secret, in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will play out.  

 That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives and our character.  

Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping, we are becoming.” 

~  Ralph Waldo Emerson

This, for me, has been a daily struggle - I've posted about it before - what I focus on grows.  And, what I worship, I am becoming. 

This truth was made clear to me yesterday through my daughter, who tends to ruminate and easily become consumed by her emotions.  It's often the negative ones she's feeling that do her in and can lead her even to physical sickness.  She and I had a discussion yesterday as she was complaining of not feeling well about trying to focus on "happy things" instead of how badly she was feeling.  I could see her spiraling downward in that all-to-familiar cycle that often leads to a place none of us want to go, and I was desperate to help her try to avoid going there.

And I wish I had someone to give me that pep talk whenever I'm consumed by frustration or anger or sadness and allow myself to submit to those negative feelings, influencing my entire day for the worse (and just about everyone who has contact with me).  What I focus on grows.  Whether it's how great my day is going or how tough my lot in life seems at any given moment.  

So, I had to ask my daughter yesterday the same question I should be asking myself EVERY DAY.  What do we want to grow?

Sickness?

Anger?

Sadness?

Pity?

Selfishness?

Jealousy?

Greed?

Apathy?

 

or...

Peace?

Patience?

Kindness?

Compassion?

Love?

Joy?

Faithfullness?

Gentleness?

Self-Control?

This morning, as my little girl awoke, she came out to the kitchen to announce to me that she was feeling better and she believes that she "kept the sickness away with happy thoughts".  One battle won.

I want to win today, too.  How about you? 

Galatians 5:16-25

Happy Independence Day - Patriotism is Not Dead!

We are a country of innovators and achievers.  We aren't afraid to take the path least traveled, and understand that often comes with hard work (which we're not afraid of, either).  We speak freely, and sometimes forget that not everyone has that right.  We take up after our own, and we try to take up for others who no one else will bother with.  We're not perfect, but, for the most part, we're trying to make the world a little better than we found it.

Today, as you're celebrating with your family and friends, eating good BBQ, swimming at the pool, and watching fireworks, don't forget the reason why today is significant.  Fly your United States flag proudly, and remember that being a United States citizen is a gift and a privilege.

Happy Independence Day, and may God bless the USA!

Hey - I love you!!

This is my new favorite feel good song.  I LOVE it.

I first heard it in the best spin class ever known to man (or woman), and ever since, I've been hooked.  It just makes me happy and when I hear it I cannot help but break out dancing, much to the horror of my children.  :)

And, at the risk of sharing TMI, I created a ringtone from it for when my husband calls. The only problem is, I don't want to cut the song off when he calls, so I don't answer quickly...

I hope you enjoy as much as I do!

You know you live in Vegas when...

The latest inspiration for this post hit me recently.  But first, I must tell you a story.

I have a very lovely friend here in Vegas who I met in an, um, well, unconventional way.  She actually met my SIL first, and it was through their chance encounter at a pet store where my daughter and her aunt went for some afternoon time together and a conversation was struck up.  My name was mentioned (as the actual mother of the child my SIL had with her), as was my struggle to get to know people in my new city (I'd been here all of two months and was frustrated and lonely and telling everyone all about it).  So my soon-to-be friend boldly asked my SIL for my phone number and shared her own, no doubt thinking she could help me out and score another play mate for her darling then-three year old. 

(I really think, had it been me, I might have not been so willing to put myself out there with a total stranger, to yet another total stranger, and when I think of that, I am ashamed and sad to think that, because of my insecurities, I would have missed out on a really great friendship.)

Anyway, when my SIL brought my youngest home and handed me a phone number of a woman I'd never met, I truly thought she was crazy.  I then began running through all the possible scenarios that would prove this was a scam or some equally mischievous plot to...  well, I dunno - do something to harm me or my family (not that I'm suspicious, or paranoid, or anything) - but I came up with none.

A few days later, I got a text from my future friend asking me if I'd want to have "a cuppa", and I immediately had a sense this was someone I was going to like (her British accent and random English phrases were endearing, too).  We've been getting together every few weeks for a cuppa (and maybe some good cookies, muffins, or anything chocolate) since.  (If you're reading this, C, it's been awhile!  Let's get together soon!!)

None of this is really a "you know you live in Vegas when...," except for:

• where else would a mom be so willing to reach out to another because she understood the difficulties inherent in trying to meet friends in Las Vegas (which really does have a certain level of difficulty all its own here)?
• where else, but an international community, would I make a friend from "across the pond", who charms me with her British ways and makes me feel so intimidated to make a cup of tea?

Anyway, the point for telling you all that, was to tell you that we were invited to a bowling birthday party for my friend's little one who is turning 4.  And, that day, as I was traversing an insanely huge casino with my two kids in tow - complete with the not-so-fresh aroma of chain smokers, the nauseatingly busy carpet, the overstimulation of dinging and clanging and flashing lights, multiple buffet lines, and not a single clock or window or other way to connect with reality in sight, it hit me.

You know you live in Vegas when you drag your kids through the sights, sounds, and smells of local casinos to take them to a birthday party for one of their friends in the casino's bowling alley.  (Where they have a blast for two hours, life is as normal as it gets, and you meet some really nice people who you've never met before.)  But still, you should have seen some of the looks I got from those who were there to gamble, as if they were saying, "lady, you brought your kids here?"

Next time, I'll know to park right outside the doors that go straight into the bowling alley...

Needed A Little Change

I'm one of those odd people who really likes change.  I like to rearrange furniture for a new perspective.  I like changing my wardrobe (much more than my checkbook allows) because it feels like I can reinvent myself, just a little bit.  I like painting a new color on the walls, and making the same old things look new in some way.  When we go to a restaurant, I like to try to order something I've never tried at that restaurant before.  I'll even admit that, while stressful and not in any way easy, I liked moving to a new state and a new climate where I've never lived before.  Change brings a sense of vitality to my life, and I get bored easily.

I know some of you can totally not relate.  That's ok.

But, that is why you now see yet another new look on my blog...  I'm on what seems to be a never ending quest to find the "perfect" layout/background/template/theme for my Pondering blog.  Today's is the latest - I hope you enjoy!

And for those of you who don't really thrive on change, and even find it a bit difficult to adjust to, I apologize in advance.  :)  Rest assured my writing style and the topics I choose are still the same old me.

Thanks for reading!

Being still and other random thoughts...

We went to the new version of "Tha karate kid" yesterday. While it wasn't as good as the original with Ralph Machio, I did think Jaden Smith's performance was remarkable, and the story still stirs me.

I had an 'aha' moment when the sage teacher is explaining to his pupil the secret of the cobra charmer they'd seen. He said it was "being still". Then, the student asks, "so she controlled the snake by doing nothing?"  The wise response was,"doing nothing and being still are two very different things."

So true, Jackie Chan, so true.

While pondering that, I had the opportunity this morning to go to Bikram Yoga (90 minutes of intense yoga in a room heated to 105 degrees). Yoga is largely about focusing on your breath, and while your body is facing stress from every front, you are challenged to quiet your mind. Something that doesn't come easy for me.

Another repeating theme.

It was a good reminder, and I'm grateful for it. I'm going to make an effort to quiet my mind this week (which is SO not doing nothing).

And, did I mention that the online authorities say my 90 minutes of suffering at the yoga studio burned a whopping 941 calories?!? This may need to return to my regular fitness routine - so far today, I've eaten -243 calories!!

I had to share this...

It is a family "tradition" to gather around the tv and watch the season of "America's Got Talent" with the kids - they love it and it is (mostly) family friendly.  Anyway, we were watching from last week and saw this guy (Taylor Matthews) sing - I was mesmerized and LOVE his version of this classic song.  I wanted to share it with you (he sings at the 2 minute mark, if you want to avoid the buildup) - I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!  :)

I only wish I could find an mp3 of this song to download, now...

Some Photos...

Where oh where have the last several weeks gone??  For that matter, where did the school year go??  I just dropped off B at school for her last day of second grade (yikes!) and D's last day is Friday. 

As you might have guessed from the complete lack of blogging for the past two weeks, I've been a bit overwhelmed with the thought of an entire summer that I need to plan for them.  And, here it is.  Luckily, we've got a couple of VBSs on the schedule, and I'm on at least 10 waiting lists for week long summer camps through the city rec program (missed that early morning, standing in line at 6 am on a Saturday requirement to get in before all the camps filled up).  The rest is all me.

I think we'll be at the pool.  A LOT.

Anyway, here are a few pics from the past several weeks for those of you (grandma) who have been patiently waiting on me...  :)

Fellow Las Vegans - Check this out!

So, this morning, I finally got around to participating in the Bountiful Baskets co-op that is organized by my friend, Lindsay. It was so much fun! While I know it wasn't quite the same, it got me feeling a little bit closer to the farmers and the fields where my food was grown (I guess that's simply because it didn't come to me via grocery store, I dunno...).

What I really loved about it (besides the low, low price for a HUGE basket of food) was the sense of community it gave me. There's something about working alongside other people who you've never met before toward a common goal.

Oh, and there is an element of surprise to this co-op that adds a little Christmas morning magic to the mix - you don't know what you're getting until you get there!  You sign up online the Tues/Wed before and pay $15 for what is $50 worth of fresh produce.  (I understand that they also have special offerings periodically, like bread, olive oil, bulk produce (like 25 lbs of carrots), etc.)  It's fun to see what you're going home with every week, and because of this my family will be trying new things that I otherwise don't buy regularly!

I was also thinking it would be a great thing to bring my oldest daughter to - when I volunteer to help out, she could work right alongside me and all the other volunteers. I hope she'd get as much out of it as I do!

Am I reading too much into this Saturday morning activity?? Maybe.

But, it's how I felt - can't help that. I think I've found a new Saturday morning ritual! :) Check it out at www.bountifulbaskets.org!

Here is the list of offerings this week:

• 2 butternut squashes
• 6 ears of corn
• 1 lb of brussel sprouts
• 6 tomatoes
• 1 head of romaine lettuce
• a bag of baby carrots
• 1 watermelon (the little, cute ones)
• 5 mangoes
• 1 bunch of bananas
• 5 key limes
• 10 white peaches
• 1 bag of apples

Plus, because I volunteered (by showing up an hour early and helping to unbox and sort the produce into baskets), I was able to take an additional 2 heads of romaine lettuce, another bag of baby carrots, and more tomatoes than I can count (we'll make a red pasta sauce to freeze this weekend!).  My laundry basket was full and heavy, and we still had enough to donate to our local fire stations!  LOVE IT!

Hope to see you there some Saturday!  :)

Reflections on an upcoming Mother's Day

It's been a tough week.  I've been in single parent mode for 9 days (but who's counting?!?), and I am so tired and grumpy and focused on the relief that will come when my better half finally comes walking through the door this evening to save me from total and complete responsibility.

Just now, I was browsing some of my frequent online stops (as I'm gearing up to do some actual work).   On one of those sites, I just read an interesting quote.  "What you focus on grows"

Can you say conviction?

As I was pondering that little gem, and how I'm obviously focusing on stuff that I most definitely DO NOT want to grow, I happened upon another link to a website created and maintained by a mother who lost her 3 1/2 year old son last month to Leukemia.  She was talking about how she's dreading this Mother's Day because she is a mother but is without her son, which is what prompted me to see what she was talking about by visiting her site.

Wow, is all I can say.  I read just a tiny bit of her telling the story of her son's memorial service and watched the pictures of him and their family scroll across the screen in slideshow after slideshow, and tears streamed down my face as I thought about the pain and torment she must be enduring in these weeks following such a tragic loss.  Then, her son's face was replaced by my daughters' faces in my mind's eye and I was immediately caught up with the "what if that were my child" thoughts, and the emotion of that opened the floodgates.  And I haven't had to walk her road.

Instead, I have two healthy, strong, beautiful, vibrant little girls who've been entrusted to me for a short time.  And, I've spent way too much time focused on how hard it is to parent them, how much I sacrifice to be a mother (financially, emotionally, relationally), and all the work I do every day to simply keep our household running with two kids going in two different directions all the time.

What you focus on grows.

For far too long, I've been very focused on myself, my needs, my pain and struggles.  And I've struggled with why I cannot seem to escape the pit of anger and frustration that I inevitably fall into when I'm not diligent about staying out of it.  Why does it have to be so much work to simply focus on the moment, build relationship, and be happy?  Because what you focus on grows, and I'm focused on negativity, not what I want to grow.

So, I'm making a public announcement that this Mother's Day (and for the days to follow), I'm going to make a concerted effort to remember that what I focus on grows.  I'm going to focus on:

• the laughter of two girls who so enjoy one another's company (most of the time)
• the bright twinkle in my oldests' big brown eyes when I play with her
• the still babyish "accent" that my youngest has when she talks with such big words and ideas
• the joy that both girls express when I sit down to read them a bedtime story
• that infectious smile my youngest displays regularly
• both girls' angelic voices as they call me "mama"
• all the gifts of motherhood and how they far outweigh any sacrifices
• how I'm so abundantly blessed

What are you focused on? What do you want to grow in your life?

Happy Mother's Day!

Change and Roots

I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole season changing thing - which many people are, the winter has given way to spring (in most parts of the country, at least!) and summer break for my girls is a miniscule 5 weeks away (seriously?!?).  Gulp.

But, I digress.

One year ago, a season was most definitely coming to an end for us as our time in Colorado was being abruptly ended and our lives were taking a serious turn.  I remember blogging back then about the promise of new life as I gazed out my tree house window from my office to the aspen trees that were sprouting bright green life from beneath the layer of snow they were bearing.  Spring was showing itself amongst the familiar sites of the past several months of winter.  And we were planning our departure from the mountain tops (where we wanted to be) to the desert valley (where we most definitely did not).

I've written about it before (I hope not ad nauseam) - we were having to put down our dreams, say goodbye to some dear, lifelong friends, lay down our professional and volunteer responsibilities, clear out our closets (and drawers, and garage, and on and on), build a dream deck for someone else to enjoy, and otherwise hang up our life as we knew it.  It was hard and it was sometimes wrought with unbearable pain.

And I think about that season and I'm sick to my stomach and tearful all over again.  The desperation to deny what we knew was coming, the anger, the sorrow, the full-on pain of it.  But, somehow, we got through that really tough time - just putting one foot in front of the other.  Step by step by step.  (with many incidents of falling down and running backward, only to realize that it is in the forward moving that healing is ushered in)

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind for me.  I have, over the past several months, been feeling a call to do more, give more, somehow be more than what I have been since we've made our home in the desert (which is turning out to be a pretty decent place, after all).  Up until now, what that is has alluded me, and I've felt compelled to be still and wait.  I think it now has a name, and I'm accepting this challenge and opportunity with open arms - I'm ready to begin growing again.  The season for simply surviving seems to be passing.

But, it is all around us.  This week was one of loss for two friends - both had a parent pass away - both from chronic disease.  They are now plunged into a season of grief and pain as they try to adjust to a new normal.  Another friend had a big dream die, and she's disappointed and sad and angry because she doesn't understand why.  Another is struggling with moving her family in a few short weeks overseas for a bigger mission, and she talks about how hard it is to pull up roots.  Another just did that very thing and writes about how difficult it is to be away from everything she's ever known.  And sometimes the weight of it all seems like it will crush us.

Then, I remember what I learned in my latest season of trial.  The healing is in the journey and the journey is a process - one foot in front of the other, step by step by step.  Breaking big things off into littler, more manageable pieces seems to make it all that easier to bear - even the heaviest of loads.

And, although it seems so much easier to place our roots in shallow, clear water that will simply allow survival (and make future uprooting painless), it's not until those same roots make contact with the dirty soil - rocks, worms and all - that growth and balance and true nourishment occurs. 

Tonight I heard a familiar verse that had particular meaning for me as I contemplate past trials and upcoming challenges - Isaiah 55:8-9:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
       neither are your ways my ways,"
       declares the LORD.

  "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
       so are my ways higher than your ways
       and my thoughts than your thoughts. 

I hope that speaks to you, whatever storm you are in, just coming out of, or just about to enter into.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, step by step by step.  One day, you'll look up and realize just how far you've come and maybe even see where you're going.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

You know you live in Vegas when...

This weekend, we had family visiting us here in Las Vegas. Our girls were thrilled to spend ample time swimming in the hotel pool where our family stayed, and playing the wii in the hotel lobby. We spent considerable time at this particular hotel over the last several days.

Now that life has returned to normal, I thought I'd blog about my latest "you know you live in Vegas when..." moment.

We were headed to the pool from the fourth floor room my family was inhabiting for the weekend and both girls were excitedly running toward the elevators. My youngest said to my oldest, "it's my turn!" (to push the buttons) and my oldest said, "ok," then turned to me to explain that she and her sister were "taking turns working the elevators this weekend."

I then caught a sideways glance from my family member (who does not live in Vegas), and cracked up when he said, "I'll bet that's said outside of many an elevator here in Vegas!"

LOL!! Touche.

But, my daughters are waaaaay too young to have any idea what he meant - and I'm going to work to keep it that way!

Something Beautiful

So, today I went for a long run by myself on the incredible pathways that string through my neighborhood.  The weather was a balmy 62 degrees, the sun was shining, the wind was silent, and all was right with the world.  Something about the rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement and the sound of my breath invigorates me (after about the first mile or two...), and the endorphins kick in.  There's nothing like the high of a runner, something I never ever got until I became one.

As I was running, there were several moments when I looked up to notice the awesome views of the desert mountains rising up at the edge of the city and the monumental palm trees that rise to the sky to greet the sun.  How lucky I am to see all of this right here where I live.  I used to feel the same way when I had the privilege of staring in awe at Pikes Peak in Colorado - we've definitely been blessed to live in some beautiful places.

The thing is, I suppose there is beauty to be found everywhere and anywhere you look.  Even in Vegas, a place where many believe there is nothing beautiful (if you believe this, you've never really seen the true Las Vegas).  I'm so lucky to see the beauty here and to have the chance to enjoy it and add it to my past experiences with gorgeous landscape.

As I coming home after my run this morning, this song came on the radio.  I thought it summed it up pretty well, and I hope it inspires you to look for the beauty in your day today, too.